1. What is your full name?
I only give
that out for money.
2. What color pants are you wearing?
I’m not
wearing any pants.
3. What are you listening to right now?
The hum of
the computer.
4. What was the last thing you ate?
If it’s
been more than twelve hours ago then I have no idea; probably some Xanax.
5. Do you wish on stars?
I used to
till I was hit by wreckage from a falling satellite.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
White. God bless Anglo-Saxons.
7. How is the weather right now?
It’s
perfect. It’s always perfect weather
here sans for about six days outta the year.
You too can live in climate heaven for the retail price of a half a million
dollars, and that’s if you don’t mind squalor.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?Once
again this falls under the category of, “If it happened over twelve hours ago,
etc, etc...” Do I even talk on the phone
anymore? Nah I don’t think I bother.
9. Like the person who sent this to
you?Well noone sent it to me per
say. I don’t really know the gal who
posted this, but judging from her answers I think it’s safe to assume we would
never hang.
10. How old are you today?More like how old do I look? For I can’t even buy cigarettes or lottery
tickets without being carded. Actually
I’ve never bought either those items, I just assume this to be factual.
11. Favorite drink?Apple martinis rarely disappoint;
caramel apple martinis are even rarer.
Whaler’s Vanilla Rum is happiness inna bottle. Crème de Cacao in milk is very nice on those
cool nights. Cointreau is always in
stock, but my new teacher Mother secret lover?
Chambord ; I could drink that stuff with
a straw.
12. Favorite sport?
I don’t have to play it do I? I always thought Calvin ball was the most
brilliant sport. Still I’ve got my
fingers crossed hoping ass scratching will one day make it into the Olympics.
13. Hair color?
It’s blonde; perfect blonde, or at
least it will be once I get highlights again.
14. Do you wear contacts?No, we’ve already concluded I look
much better in glasses.
15. Siblings?
Thank God no.
16. Favorite month
These questions are getting just
the teensiest bit asinine. Do people
actually have a favorite month? Well
I’ve been partial to December as it’s the month where I receive my majority of
presents. Can we talk about the months I
can’t stand? February, an annoying,
“Look at me I’m so different,” month and August; just never could stand August.
17. Favorite food?
Whatever I’m eating at the
time. Although of all the foods in the
world I seem to have a penchant for cheese puffs. Know what would be great? Xanax puffs.
18. What was the last movie you watched?
Monster. I can’t believe I watched it again; my first viewing I nearly hung myself.
19. Favorite day of the year?
I’m just gonna ignore this question till it goes away.
20. What do you do to vent anger?
Torture local transients or small immigrant children.
22. Summer or winter?
Are you asking what the season is now? Can’t even get that right, can ya?
23. Hugs or kisses?
No touching
24. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Whatever melts in my mouth and not in my hand.
25. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Not really,
but I prefer not to email them either.
26. Who is most likely to respond?
To
what? The gripping Summer or Winter
question?
27. Who is least likely to respond?
You’ve lost
all dignity at this point.
29. When was the last time you cried?
Last night
when my current cat didn’t morph into my dead one which the witch doctor had
promised. Bastard!
32. What did you do last night?
We went
over this already: I watched
Monster. Again! Then I had a shot of Drano.
33. Favorite smell?
My own
farts.
34. What inspires you?
The future
promise of more looting and pillaging.
35. What are you afraid of?
That this
survey will never end.
36. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn?
I see my
fears are grounded.
37. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
I don’t, I
prefer to be chauffeured.
38. What do you do for a living?
I write
angry and vengeful prose. Always do
something you love kids.
40. How many years at your current job?
How old am
I now?
41. Favorite day of the week?
It
matters? When’s Ladies’ Night?
42. What did you do on your last birthday?
I hoped to
God that next year’s won’t be so abysmally depressing.
43. How many states have you lived in?
Too damn
many
44. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Just finishing up this survey.
