It's bad enough I have the whole fat obstacle, but I'm also plagued with intelligence and general "weirdness".

Yes there ...   more »

I made a critical error last night by looking at myself in the mirror while nude.  The thrill of Coldwater Creek clothes quickly faded away when I saw my thighs.  As I’m pear shaped I tend to carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, and although the tape measure says differently I feel they haven’t shrunk an inch.  They’re all very cottage cheese like now and just hideously ugly – I don’t recall them ever being this upsetting before in my life.  It looks as though I have elephantitis, some folds hang halfway past my calves.  I also have battled with boils on my inner thighs for as long as I can remember.  They’re riddled with deep pitted scars and the skin looks grey and almost dead.  

People have been asking for new pictures but frankly I’m embarrassed as I personally see no difference between now me and April me, even though my clothes are smaller.

140 pounds is a great loss, but I’m getting a little worried.  Maybe I screwed up in the first year and didn’t do as much as I should, but I was sick a lot and really didn’t feel comfortable exercising rigorously until around 350.  Now I ride 20 miles a day on my stationary bike and do weight training for my upper body one day and lower half the next.  I know that sounds like over doing it, but my bike includes programs with warm ups and cool downs so I’m not keeling over after each ride (I do two 10 miles a day).  At 400 pounds I had trouble reaching just 2 miles a day.

I eat around 1000 – 1200 calories a day.  No, I don’t count.  I’ve been counting calories since childhood – 10 years old and going through Weight Watcher programs.  My counting days are over.  Besides, my dinner tonight was a Boston Market chicken leg, couple spoon fulls of mashed potatoes, corn and broccoli. Then later on a couple cups of popcorn. Does that sound like a lot to you?

But I’m freaked because after all this effort, nothing seems to be happening.  And I’m wondering: Did I fuck up?  Should I not have been cavalier about exercise the first year?  I am annoying like that.

I’m gonna do a test.  I’m either going to take a hammer to my scales or put ‘em out in the shed cuz I never go out there – boogers could be out there.  I’ll stay the hell away from ‘em for a month and keep up with my routine.  I keep a daily journal of my bike miles and should be able to do a nice comparison.  Then after all that work if the scale and tape measure don’t show any slight improvement, I’m gonna start wiggin.

Before, I said that I could be happy at the weight I am now, even though I’m still considered super obese, but after seein my thighs last night it truly bummed me out.  I lost 140 pounds and look like this, and if I can’t lose anymore I’ll have to live the rest of my life looking half-baked.

I wonder if I should have my metabolic rate checked.  I just don’t get how I could ride 70 miles this week and gain 2 pounds.  I know, I know…  Water weight and muscle weighs more, but I’m skeert.

It’s way too early for me to have plastic surgery.  When I got down to 200 pounds my thighs were still massive.  Right now my bottom can fit into 28 pants, but my thighs are always stretched to capacity -- while I can get away with a 24 top.  I know its vanity, but I’m afraid I’ll be stuck with these grotesque trunks for the rest of my life.

My butt hurts.

I can ride 10 miles on my stationary bike in one setting.  You'd think that with all ...   more »