My lil gurl kitty Molly is a licker with a tongue like sandpaper.  I’ve never known a cat with a rougher tongue and one who openly licks everyone – she woulda been a great mommy.

The scene: Molly is sitting on Mother’s chest purrin up a storm, as in her nature she starts lickin her (Molly that is, not Mom).  Well the noodle brain tried to lick Mother’s hair which didn’t work in her favor.  Mother tells her to stop so Moll stuck her tongue in her ear and starts licking her earlobe, Mother’s reply, “Whoa Molly!  It’s been several since someone did that to me.  I might get excited here.”  

I bout fell off the bike laughing and said, “Wow!” *pause* *pause* *giggle* *giggle* Can I hold her for awhile?”  

I’ve never been one for gravesites.  There’s no one there, just a box and decayed carcass.  In fact I’ve always said I wanted to be cremated and scattered to the wind.  If I did have a tombstone it’d read: “Why the hell are you bothering me now when ya could’ve visited me when I was alive?”

There are, and will be, painfully few people in your lifetime who will love you so completely and unabashedly, without fault or pretensions.  My Grandfather was one these people.  His favorite picture of me was Grandma holding my cousin and myself on her lap, she was leaning in to give my cousin a kiss and I had my fists balled up ready to knock her out for stealing even the slightest attention from me.  Grandpa loved that picture and proudly displayed it on his fridge for the world to see.

My Grandpa’s birthday was one week before mine.  He wanted nothing more than for me to be born on his birthday.  Alas, I was quite stubborn and if the doctor had not induced labor I would most likely still be hanging out in Mother’s uterus today.  There was a slight complication: Mother would not dilate and I had managed to wrap the umbilical cord around my throat.  After a seemingly endless labor they rushed her in for an emergency C-section.  And so it was fair to say that the waiting room was a bit tense.  When the nurse came out to present me to the family Grandpa rushed to be the first in line.  He gasped and stepped backwards with tears in his eyes.  Of course everyone else completely freaked out and Grandma demanded, “Robert!  What’s wrong?”  Grandpa said, “She’s perfect.”

I never felt the agonizing 1500 mile distance from my Grandfather’s grave than I did this weekend.  I just wanted to be there; rain, sleet, snow, wind, bugs or snakes be damned – just to lie on the grass knowing that 6 feet below there lay a small marble box containing a few handfuls of ashes -- ashes that used to be my Grandpa who loved me blindingly and without reason.

It's bad enough I have the whole fat obstacle, but I'm also plagued with intelligence and general "weirdness".

Yes there ...   more »

I made a critical error last night by looking at myself in the mirror while nude.  The thrill of Coldwater Creek clothes quickly faded away when I saw my thighs.  As I’m pear shaped I tend to carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, and although the tape measure says differently I feel they haven’t shrunk an inch.  They’re all very cottage cheese like now and just hideously ugly – I don’t recall them ever being this upsetting before in my life.  It looks as though I have elephantitis, some folds hang halfway past my calves.  I also have battled with boils on my inner thighs for as long as I can remember.  They’re riddled with deep pitted scars and the skin looks grey and almost dead.  

People have been asking for new pictures but frankly I’m embarrassed as I personally see no difference between now me and April me, even though my clothes are smaller.

140 pounds is a great loss, but I’m getting a little worried.  Maybe I screwed up in the first year and didn’t do as much as I should, but I was sick a lot and really didn’t feel comfortable exercising rigorously until around 350.  Now I ride 20 miles a day on my stationary bike and do weight training for my upper body one day and lower half the next.  I know that sounds like over doing it, but my bike includes programs with warm ups and cool downs so I’m not keeling over after each ride (I do two 10 miles a day).  At 400 pounds I had trouble reaching just 2 miles a day.

I eat around 1000 – 1200 calories a day.  No, I don’t count.  I’ve been counting calories since childhood – 10 years old and going through Weight Watcher programs.  My counting days are over.  Besides, my dinner tonight was a Boston Market chicken leg, couple spoon fulls of mashed potatoes, corn and broccoli. Then later on a couple cups of popcorn. Does that sound like a lot to you?

But I’m freaked because after all this effort, nothing seems to be happening.  And I’m wondering: Did I fuck up?  Should I not have been cavalier about exercise the first year?  I am annoying like that.

I’m gonna do a test.  I’m either going to take a hammer to my scales or put ‘em out in the shed cuz I never go out there – boogers could be out there.  I’ll stay the hell away from ‘em for a month and keep up with my routine.  I keep a daily journal of my bike miles and should be able to do a nice comparison.  Then after all that work if the scale and tape measure don’t show any slight improvement, I’m gonna start wiggin.

Before, I said that I could be happy at the weight I am now, even though I’m still considered super obese, but after seein my thighs last night it truly bummed me out.  I lost 140 pounds and look like this, and if I can’t lose anymore I’ll have to live the rest of my life looking half-baked.

I wonder if I should have my metabolic rate checked.  I just don’t get how I could ride 70 miles this week and gain 2 pounds.  I know, I know…  Water weight and muscle weighs more, but I’m skeert.

It’s way too early for me to have plastic surgery.  When I got down to 200 pounds my thighs were still massive.  Right now my bottom can fit into 28 pants, but my thighs are always stretched to capacity -- while I can get away with a 24 top.  I know its vanity, but I’m afraid I’ll be stuck with these grotesque trunks for the rest of my life.

My butt hurts.

I can ride 10 miles on my stationary bike in one setting.  You'd think that with all ...   more »