Those infamous words were uttered by my very own Mother yesterday – clearly these two phrases should not be in the same sentence.

She arrived home late and upon entering the house she announced that the windshield was broke, the very same windshield of our beloved SUV.  So of course I replied with a, “Huh?”

MOTHER: The windshield’s busted that’s why I was late.  I think I was shot at and I bought you a new mop.

This is an interesting sentence to process, but indeed she was holding a new mop.

ME: Fuck the mop!  What do you mean you were shot at?

Well it turns out while she was driving down past Fort Ord something did indeed shoot through the air and cracked the windshield.  The hole is purty small and didn’t penetrate through the glass, but it was on her side and right smack dab where her head was located.  She pulled over and called Onstar, described the situation and they sent someone out there.  Tow truck guy thought it was probably a rock, but OnStar said they were gonna dispatch the highway patrol over to that area.  After all, just over in Salinas people are gettin shot in broad daylight.

So for the sake of validity, it probably wasn’t someone shooting at her, however it’s a heck of a lotta fun to leave the following on someone’s voice mail, “Mother was shot at and I got a new mop.”  And from now on when ever Mother’s being particularly annoying I can say, “You better stop it or I’ll shoot ya.”

Now for the less than fun news:

Yesterday I started the day off by eating a plum, as is my normal daily routine.  While I never felt ill it did take three hours for this lil plum to final pass through my pouch.   Hmmm…  Later on I discovered I could only eat a fraction of the same food I had no trouble with just a few days ago.  Hmmm…

But the true fun came today.  Trader Joe’s sells the most superb reduced carb waffles.  I honestly cannot tell the difference between these and regular waffles.  Walden Farms makes the most amazing CALORIE FREE (yes you heard me right) pancake syrup.  I don’t recommend it for you maple syrup fans out there – I was never a maple syrup fan myself and always gravitated towards that Aunt Jemina crap.  To me, this syrup taste almost exactly like Aunt Jemina.  So with a lil peanut butter on top, this is one helluva low carb experience.  

And so here I am enjoying my waffles, however just a few bites in and I already begin to feel pressure.  I sit back for a few minutes and wait for this to subside, seeing as how just a week ago I was able to eat this amount with no trouble.  The pressure never left and got worse.  An hour later I was headed towards the bathroom and reaching for the infamous puking cup.  Normally after one good hurl you feel better, but I didn’t and not 15 minutes I was back urpin up again.  

I’m sitting there on the toilet, puking cup in hand and practically ripping the toilet paper holder off the wall because the pressure is almost unbearable.  I cough, hack and gag; all the while the strain is causing capillaries on my face to break.  With my eyes bloodshot and watering I violently heave and up come my leftover waffles, missing the cup and splattering the floor and wall.  I giggle manically and yell, “Yeah!  Rock and roll!”  Then I put my head in hands and sigh, “I’m not having a good time.”

I go through the same process a third time and ask, “Are we there yet?”  By now it’s eight o’clock, fours hours since I ate the damn waffles.  I try sipping on some Pedialyte, but after only a couple sips it looks as though I’m gonna have to run back to the bathroom again.  So in a desperate last attempt I made myself some hot tea – a couple sips and I decide it might be a good idea to hang out in the bathroom just incase.  In the end everything finally went down.  But good grief!  Vomit three times and it still hurts, even though I only took a few bites.  Not to mention it took four bloody hours.  Clearly something’s not right so I will be calling the surgeon tomorrow.

I’m not looking forward to possibly having a tube down my throat for a month, but the main thing that’s pissin me off is that I won’t be able to eat the Peanut Chicken I’ll be fixing for the Church’s potluck this weekend.

First off:  So far everything seems to be passing through rather well.  I did have a lil trouble for a few days around the 19th of February.  Calls were made to the doctor, in fact they even called me a couple times, but I was hesitant and rather reluctant to have some long tube jammed down my throat.  So I waited through the weekend, and miraculously by the end it was all better.  So yay!  

If a stricture happens again they’re going to place a lil tube down in the stoma to keep it opened – this I’m not looking forward to so I’m hoping it doesn’t occur.

Second: Well I spent a good deal of time in bed.  Last Thursday I had trouble sleeping, so when seven rolled around I noticed Mother’s light was on and I wandered into her room.  It was a very chilly morning so naturally I hopped into her bed.  

Mother comes outta the bathroom: Are you bed hoppin?

Me: Nah, I just couldn’t sleep.

Mother: Well scoot over.

She starts snugglin down in the covers: Ooooo, I should get up but it’s soooo comfortable.

Me: You realize that’s our problem, we made our beds too damn comfortable.  Everyone else is getting up because they have shitty beds.

And so I made myself start getting up in the morning and drinking a Red Bull – sugar free obviously.  This usually helps in keeping me up the rest of the day and not taking a nap. *thumbsup*

Three: Although my typical pre-op meal consisted between 1500 through 2000+ calories, the surgery hasn’t stopped me from eating junk – just in smaller portions now.  Now when I had all those strictures it was hard for me to get much any nourishment in.  And so the items I found I could eat with no trouble?  Sugar free chocolate, sugar free pudding with Reddi Whip and a loaded bacon and cheese baked potato from Carl’s Jr.  Strictures had cleared up and yet I was still eating this crap.  That’s bad.  And so the whip came cracking down declaring a ban on these items.  

The monkey on my back was none other than Reddi whip itself.  Sure a serving containing only 1 gram of fat and less than one gram of sugar seems harmless, but I’m a gurl of excess that has never understood the logical idea of one serving.  So it goes, if I’m having sugar free pudding it must have copious amounts of Reddi Whip.  In fact it never failed that each and every time I consumed this concoction, I got sick to my stomach but it never deterred me.  The crowing glory of breaking free from this addiction happened Saturday at the store.  I walked by the dairy case knowing full well that my Reddi Whip supply was dangerously low, and yet I walked on by.

Sugar free candy has been replaced with fresh fruit.  I almost always start my day off with a plum or nectarine as I’ve been battling Hypoglycemia lately.  And instead of sugar free pudding I have a ½ cup of blueberries, raspberries or blackberries.

Exercise is still another obstacle I’ve yet tackle.  A few months ago I was doing so well with bike riding and Pilates and BAM!  I’m outta the habit.  Now I’m screwed.

I have been battling depression and the incredible fussiness that comes along with knowing folks are doing better than me.  You could tell me I’m doin great and not to compare yourself with others, but it’s nothing I don’t already know.  

I’ve stopped being so zealous over carbs.  There are studies beginning to circulate that a low carb high protein diet over three years can do damage.  My cat has been on a high protein diet and now he’s experiencing early signs of kidney failure.  The same thing also happens to dogs.  Also carbs make you happy AND help with brain function.  Has it every occurred to you why body builders are such idiots?  

So screw low carb pasta – it taste like shit anyways.  Low carb breads are gone with the wind, in the end they were just too dense for me.  I became super morbidly obese by eating mass quantities of pasta, and this I can no longer do so I see no reason why I can’t have a lil ravioli.

However I would like to point out that I’ll be sticking with low carb milk, reduced carb chips and tortilla chips, reduced carb tortillas and of course Splenda.  But “natural” peanut butter is of the past, it doesn’t even remotely taste like peanut butter and it’s wrong.  And obviously potatoes are out the window simply because I have no control when it comes to them.

Staples in life?  Oddly enough Light Ranch dressing and Taco Bell mild sauce.  I use these together to make a very runny dressing and pour it over salads.  Salads, another staple in life.  I love salads.  Yes Taco Bell is still a strong presence in my life, however my typical pre-op order consisted of the following: Nachos Bell Grande with extra cheese sauce, two chicken supreme Gorditas and three regular tacos.  Now?  One chicken supreme Gordita and one chicken supreme soft taco – both missing the bread.  You could nag me over the sour cream, but you’ll just receive an, “Up Yours!”  

It finally dawned on me the other day what my problem was.  I HAVEN’T HAD A CHEESEBURGER IN SIX MONTHS!  This would make anyone pissy.  So last night I had a variation (which in my opinion is better than the fast food alternative).  I had turkey ranch burgers with muenster cheese on Light Whole Wheat WonderBread (honestly I never thought smelling WonderBread would be such an erotic experience).  Although I could barely eat half, it was wonderful, all the condiments dripping everywhere.