Or do men always talk in the loudest voice possible just to make sure they have your full attention?  Right now I’m stuck inna house with two middle-aged men who are constantly screeching over each other to be the first one heard.

There’s just not enough Xanax in the world.

So I’m considering a revision, but I want another major surgery like I want a third arm shooting out from my back.  I wondered if you could add a lap band to your already existing pouch.  I assumed I was doing something intelligent by joining revision groups, but every one of the replies started out like this, “Well I’m not a doctor but it’s in my opinion that you need a more distal surgery or the duodenal switch.”  

I happen to like my intestines where they are thank you.  I’ve been to those BPD/DS groups and hey no worries there, they’re all skinny as rails, but they also talk about taking an extra pair of underwear everywhere they go because of occasional brown spots and accidents.  This is what happens when a surgeon removes most of your stomach and leaves about two inches of intestines.

I’ll chop my own head off before I ever have the duodenal switch.

I don’t like trends.  If the in thing to do is breathe oxygen I’m liable to give it up.  So when South Park came along, I was unimpressed; even though it was a favorite and recommended to me by my dearest Snookie.  I’ve always trusted Snookie’s judgment, but then again she once confessed to enjoying the movie Deep Impact, so I was a lil suspicious.  

Seven years later and a whole damn hour to kill before The Simpsons are on.  Damnit!  I guess I’ll have to go do something constructive.  Huh, they’ve syndicated South Park now.  Constructive or show I’ve always refused to watch?  I’d have to do actual movement for constructive so clearly South Park won by a landslide.  

I don’t know if it’s the blatant politically incorrectness or the fact that a tv show rated for mature audiences only (17 and up) precedes The Simpsons every night, but I finally have to agree that South Park is indeed fucking hilarious you cocksucker.   

Oh and I had to come back to bitch about the following:

There is a family in Arkansas (not too much of a surprise there) named the Duggers.  They have 16 children and all bloody theirs.  Catholic?  No no, much worse; they’re too damn Christian.  To be fair, this family is supporting itself as opposed to sucking off our communal teat, unlike those Goddamn Mormons.  And if you want to raise your children in an extremely conservative and oppressing environment to the point that none of the boys can aim worth shit for the toilet because they’ve never been allowed to masturbate; that’s your own prerogative.

BUT!

It’s incredibly selfish to bring 16 children into this fun filled planet called Earth when there are already so many unwanted and abandoned children readily available, and please stop bringing God into the mix claiming he blessed you with this many; because somewhere out there is one helluva bitchslap with your name on it.

We already and have been for several decades putting controls and limits on our pet population.  If someone is stupid enough to keep popping out screeching babies and scratching their head asking, “Wonder where that came from?”  Then it’s time to start rounding up your neighbors for a lil trip to the vets.

“And please, help control the stupid people population by having your local stupids spayed or neutered, or even both just to be on the safe side.  I’m Bob Barker.”

The trouble with nervous and emotional breakdowns is you can only curl up into a fetal position sobbing for so long until you find yourself asking, “I wonder what’s on TV?”

Or recovering from recent full frontal lobe lobotomy.  Check back in 2006.

I had blood tests taken to check every function and level possible; since they never called back I assume it all came out normal.

Still running a fever; if there was a kidney or bladder infection I think it’s gone now although I’m nauseous quite often.  Still, since the blood tests were normal I seriously doubt this has anything to do with the surgery.  After all, it was over two years ago, it doesn’t make any sense something could possibly go wrong now.  

Not that it's a record, I was just bored.  Here I'd gotten down to 298 and one fucking bag of Cheetos sends me back up to 304?  How fair is that?  And that was after I had vomited twice!  Nothin but oatmeal and protein shakes next week.

Lady Luck was a beautiful Blue Point and Lynx mix.  At 15 years of age she unfortunately had developed kidney problems as many older cats do.  Like Allie she needed daily subcutaneous fluids to keep her hydrated.  She passed away this past week.

Is there not a more wonderful place in the world where you can zip down the doctor’s office to get your blood drawn in your jammies?  I’ve also been to get donuts in the morning in my jammies.   I’ve also traveled to Safeway in my jammies; I believe this was more of a midnight snack run.  Before she relocated to Monterey you could also go to therapy in your jammies.  Technically you go to the gym in your jammies and once we even ate breakfast at the local restaurant in… Yes you guessed it, our jammies, and we’re talking full ensemble people complete with slippers.  I believe you can also do the following in your jammies, I’ve just yet to attempt them all: the dry cleaners, Starbucks, video rental, hair salon, bank or travel on over to the American Legion for an eye opener or a night cap.

It’s quiet, you don’t need an air conditioner except for one week out of the year, the temperature never drops below freezing and mowing your lawn will raise your property value $30,000.  

So yes, I can hop in the car and tootle down to the gas station that just happens to be one of the cheapest in the county, deposit a check, buy croissants from the local bakery, get Mocha Latte from Starbucks if I liked that shit and pick up some fresh marinated Bocconcini and tuna rolls from Safeway.

You too can have this life if you have $800,000 in your back pocket.

I’m not snooty; I’m just better than you.

Lil Buster was adopted weeks ago; these are my new kids:

I just love the look on this lil gal’s face and was there ever a more appropriate name? 

Kyrgyzstan, one of the many Stan’s that popped up after the fall of the Soviet Union.  Your typical third world country where men kidnap women as their bride to be.

A poor family living up in the mountains needs to marry their son off.  Son has previously proposed marriage to a couple local gurls with zero success.  Well now what? . . . . . I got it!  Let’s go down to the city and kidnap one.

Brilliant!

This tradition has been passed down from generation to generation, although while part of the Soviet Union this custom was banned.  Pffft!  And you thought communism was a bad thing.  

A good half of your Kyrgyzstani marriages have kidnapping to thank for wedding bliss.  Ah Lamoure.  Even better statistics are 80% of these kidnapped gurls eventually relent.  

Let’s break this down shall we?

The hopeful groom spies a gal whom he’d like to bear his children.  The men gather and plot out the careful strategies needed to kidnap a 20 year old, 98 pound girl.  While the unsuspecting biology major is heading for her morning class the men surround and push her into a moving vehicle.  She protests that she’ll be late for her class but her knight in shining armor, and proud groom to be, comforts her and says that she has no more need for learning as she’s going to marry him and become a sheep herder.  *thumbsup*

Surprisingly enough this is not sufficient evidence to convince the kidnappee.  So the brave men turn the young girl over to the harpies, also known as the women of the family.  The women bully and berate her for a good twelve hours, in an attempt to get the girl to submit.  Around this time the family of the unwillingly bride is contacted; now depending on whether this family truly cares for their daughter they either consent to the partnership and actually travel on over to the house to join in the intimidation, or the father intervenes and says, “Piss off!  I’m taking my daughter home.”

For the girls who refuse to give up their independence, they are often deemed as tainted among society or just raped and killed off.

Though this practice is illegal, like marijuana use in Canada, the law is rarely if ever enforced.

And I have to fast for twelve hours.  Fasting and starving yourself is a snap when it’s your decision but let someone else bring down the law and it’s: Fifteen minutes into your first hour, “I’m starving!  You’re trying to kill me!”