I’ve never been impressed by New Year’s, but this year I’m gonna party like it’s never 2005 again.  Maybe ask all my family and friends to give me their old 2005 calendars and have a big ol’ bonfire.

I sat down with Mother the other day and asked her, “Seriously, this has been our worst year ever.  Can you think of another fun-filled year like this?”  There was the year the house burned down, but so many people pitched in to help with the rebuilding and the new house turned out to be a palatial estate compared to the old.

There was the year Mother was nuts and on disability; the year we never did any laundry and just kept buying new clothes.  Still, even though we landed in debt, the shopping was still quite fun.

Let’s see, year I was in the nut ward but still that was temporary.  Year that Grandpa died, but it was also the year we moved out here.

There has never been such a year as this were it was literally one thing after another.  It is a mortal sin in this home to ever utter the phrase, “What else can possibly go wrong?” or “Well it can’t get any worse.”

Uncle JD dies; the last of Grandpa’s brothers.

Mother’s weight gain became increasingly dangerous; she would be out of breath just from a walk to the kitchen from the living room.

Mother’s knee replacement gave out.  She became wheelchair bound and was forced to go on disability.

Allie got sick and I needed to give him daily subcutaneous fluids, pills and anti-acid.

Allie’s failing kidneys caused bladder infections which in turn caused him to miss the box frequently.  Poor lil ding dong Molly loved to follow in Allie’s footsteps and started spraying where he went.  So the entire house smelled like the hippo pool at the zoo around mid afternoon.

I got used, abused and sexually harassed by a 600 pound fat fuck that I pitied.  

Some absolute tit called the cops on me thinking I was gonna kill myself then another drooling reject called my surgeon’s office and told them the same.

Grandma became mysteriously ill and suffered a mild heart attack.

My Aunt went on living.

I was not only Mother and Allie’s caretaker but I had to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, keeping up with important crap that Russ forever spaced out, etc

My weight loss stalled and stubbornly refused to budge no matter what I did.

Frequent trips to the vet for Al.

Mother got a surgery date for gastric bypass for April 28th and I had no idea what to do for Allie since he needed daily care.

April 18th Allie stopped eating, started vomiting and couldn’t urinate.  That night we took him to the all vet clinic from hell where there’s living proof that Hitler did infact have a daughter.

April 20th and four days before my birthday I held Allie on my lap while the vet gave him the injection.

I ignored my birthday and we packed up and took off for Fresno for Mother’s surgery.

The night after they rolled her out of recovery she was miserable and in incredible pain.  Because the actual surgery was a snap for me I felt so incredibly guilty, like I misled her, pushed her into this surgery and had made a huge mistake.  I just sat in the chair in her room, staring at her with silent tears rolling down my cheeks and feeling completely helpless.

The next night Dr. Felix tried to kill her.

Once she got back to the motel she was feeling much better but tensions were frayed and I was a lil tired of playing nursemaid.  

Ten days we return to a home that will never see Allie again.

Enveloped by a deep inky black depression and ooops, my medication stopped working.

Agoraphobia weasels its way back in.

Grandfather on Russ’s side suffers a stroke.

Weight loss still a standstill.  

We need a new roof before the rainy season arrives.

Mother finally gets a surgery date for her knee replacement.

One week later Grandfather dies and Russ has to dash off to Ohio

I got brushed aside for a size two.

This enhanced my obsession with weight again and I began to induce vomiting more frequently or refrained from eating altogether.

Mother loses job has to hire attorney.

Her benefits run out in less than two months.

Still gotta write that check to the roofers.

Breaker box outside loses its marbles.

And I’m going to Fresno this Friday to ask about a revision?

 Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok,Ok, Ok, Ok, OK, OK, OK, OK,OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK,OK, OK, OK, OK,OK!
 
Where’s that pick axe?

Speaking of, “These types of things always happen to me.”  Did I ever tell you about my second date ever?  Happened Summer of 2004.  First of all he seemingly has no problem with the added weight.  A quite good looking young man who is a law student.  *fanning self*  Oh yeah, I’m definitely getting excited here.

I confide in him that I don’t drive and he had absolutely no problem picking me up.  *thumbsup*  We chose to go to the local Starbucks even though neither of us drank coffee.  Is that not just the cutest thing or what?  

Now I’m not the type of gurl who waits for doors to be open for me and such, but before I even had a chance he was already standing there with the door ajar.  Quite impressive.  Doors opened, gives my order and pays.  So we get down to chit chat.  If you already thought he was one hot commodity you ain’t heard nothing yet.  He goes to the library and brings back books for a senior citizens center.  He also belongs in a program that mentors foster children.

Yeah, by this time my tongue is draggin on the floor.  He was so polite and understanding.  We both talked about our battle with obesity as children.  It was just so nice and easy going; no demands.

I asked him about his success with the dating site.  So he told me about this gal he had met, things were really going quite well for two weeks and then all of the sudden he received an email that asked him to never contact her in anyway again.  So I was like, “What the hell?”  He lamented that he shared something with her that clearly freaked her out.  This gal was a nurse in a children’s Cancer ward, what in the world could shock her?  

He sat back in his chair for a moment and said that maybe he should tell me.  I said that it was nearly impossible to shock the likes of me.  I mean what?  You used to be a woman or something?

He said yes.  Well when I asked that question I was just farting around, but there ya go.  Even my therapist tells me, “This kinda stuff only happens to you.”

But it turned out to be purty cool.  His family and friends totally supported him one hundred percent.  And believe me, you couldn’t tell.  He also showed me his old California license and he made a really homely woman, but hey, he’s quite the attractive guy.

So no, no romance was in the cards, but we’re still good friends; he’s an outstanding person and definitely a person to have in your corner.

I want Patches now.  But the damn roof isn’t done yet and although it’s better, the electricity needs a new part or something.  AND I’m off to Fresno on Friday to see Dr. Swartz, talk about my abysmal failure and revision options.  

Unfortunately I can’t go visit Patches cuz his Foster Mommy is goin on vacation to New Zealand.  I honestly had no idea, I just thought Monica was another volunteer until I read their article about going down to Mississippi, and signed at the bottom was Monica President of AFRP.  Hahahah!  PffffT!  This stuff just always happens to me.

I also need find my room as this is where Patches will be residing in the beginning to gradually allow him to become comfortable.  I personally suggested a controlled burn, but Mom said no.  So I’ve got mountains of laundry to do, but that won’t be happening until the power is 100%

So hurry up damnit and hopefully I’ll have him by next week.