You know you’re coming up in the world when the nice spam folks start offering you “quality” porn.  That’s right, no more half-assed mundane trailer trash porn for me; it’s only the best from here on out:  Snooty porn.

Stupid iTunes songs only play on the stupid iTunes player.  AND stupid iPod only plays stupid iTunes songs.  See an annoying pattern here?  I’ll be buying some other MP3 player thank you.  

MSN songs are compatible with everything except stupid iPod; unfortunately I’ve yet to find the super secret location where I can enter my credit card.  One more annoyance and I’m headin on over to Napster and shelling out my $10 a month.

My Upper GI is completed; faxed the results to the surgeon; blah, blah, blah.  

Ya know, no matter how many times people tell you that you’re not the one to blame, it never really quite penetrates.  And to be quite honest, I’m a lil cranky over the fact that people don’t seem terribly concerned.  

ME:  Ummm, yeah, hi.  It turns out that having a full fledged revision is a helluva lot more dangerous than your first go around at surgery.  So instead of slapping your knee and telling me good luck could you at least pretend to look a lil worried?

I want some official documents printed up about how I don’t wanna hang out as a vegetable; don’t resuscitate me if certain things go awry; don’t sue if anything goes wrong, and there’s something else but I can’t remember it now.  When I say “certain things” I’m referring to the very rare complications where folks end up inna wheelchair and the like.  Yes yes, handicapped folk can still excel, enjoy life and show off on 20/20.  That’s great, but I’ve been fat all my life and I don’t wanna be tossed another debilitating obstacle.

As the Bible says: Screw that! – Homer Simpson

I’m cranky and wish the following folks would just fall off the planet.  I’m tired of the folks who say, “Well I’m not a doctor but in my opinion…”  If this is how your sentence begins then it’s a good idea to stop right there before you embarrass yourself further.  Or how bout the folks who literally breezed through this surgery and now believe themselves to be floating onna higher plane of wisdom?

PERSON WHO BARELY HAD A BMI OF 40 AND LOST ALL THEIR WEIGHT IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES:  I know all!

ME:  Shut-the-fuck-up.

Everyone is different.  Your expertise only lies in yourself.  Please stop talking.

Oh and seriously:  Like a Suburban black man in the South or (ironically enough) the fat kid in junior high; everyone prefers to keep a minimum of at least five feet from the gastric bypass failure at all times – for fear of it being contagious.  

Ya know what’ll cheer me up?  A poinsettia (the drink; not the plant) and watching Paris Hilton die.  

Speaking of poinsettias:  Our nice neighbors brought us one, however it’s currently perched atop the highest shelf as Mr. Patches is one curious lil boy and them be poisonous plants.  This cat gives cat burglar a whole new meaning.  He can pry open any door; he’s like a master locksmith.

Oh and I gotta tell this:  We have one those automated litter boxes.  He was using it and I thought everything was fine until one day he heard it going off.  Of course he had to run in there to see what all the ruckus was about and I thought, “Oh shit, he’ll never get near that box again now.”  He spent a great deal of time checking the box out; walked all around its perimeter and even waved his paw to see if he could get it to move again.  Turns out he isn’t scared; on the contrary he finds this device completely fascinating.  No matter what part of the house he’s in, when that litter box goes off he comes tearing into the room just to watch.  He’ll even run in here when the fax machine is going off because he thinks it’s the box.  He’s gone from scared lil boy under the bed to mildly spooky and yet well adjusted cat inna a matter of three weeks.  

Yes, the Nip/Tuck Carver has his own blog; course he’s not often around because he’s too busy hacking up people I guess.  People are leaving him comments.  Seriously.  Something like 72,000 numb-nutz have signed up as his “friends”, AND you can also instant message him.  Was I the only person watching the upsetting episodes that included the elusive Carver?  He, and/or she, just doesn’t seem like the type I’d wanna strike up a conversation with.

Oh no, I left the tv on and I can hear Seinfeld in the background; the cats have even woke up and started searching for the remote.

Say how come really upsetting things don’t happen to people who are more than deserving of abysmal misery?  I mean I’ve had to put up with a good deal of shittiness in my life, I think it’s only fair I should have the chance to see someone else get royally screwed over.  I guess that’s what reality tv is for, but it’s less fun when you don’t know them personally.  I know:  A watched pot never boils and deserving bastards don’t get what’s coming to them until you’ve practically forgotten all about ‘em.  Like a person you despised from high school dies six or seven years later.  Sure it still gives you warm fuzzies but too much time has passed for you to thoroughly revel in their demise.  Just once I’d like for it to happen when I can REALLY enjoy it.