Well I think I’ll go home and mull this over before I cram it down my throat – The Shins

April 13th is the day I start my driving lessons.  I’m looking forward to it about as much as one looks forward to having their entire colon removed – minus the anesthesia.

To put it bluntly I’m being forced to do this against my will.  Ah, everyone says, “Oh driving is so easy; anybody can do it.  You’ll be fine.”  All right then.  Let’s say you’re a person who’s deathly afraid of spiders, snakes, etc.  Now for two hours, twice a week, you must endure having either spiders or snakes poured onto your lap, and because there’s no true practice, shield or safety net for driving, some of the specimens will be poisonous and of course we can’t guarantee you won’t get bitten.

Claustrophobic you say?  Well let’s face that fear head on.  Once again for two hours a day, twice a week, we’ll place you in a 5 by 5 room with no light; and for this to be a real test of fear there will be scant ventilation so there’s a good chance if you begin to hyperventilate you may not survive.

Heights eh?  Chop chop!  Two hours a day, twice a week you must walk laps on the top of a hundred story building.  You cannot crawl and your pace must be consistent.  Oh and there won’t be any sort of guard or railing, and obviously no safety net below.

Elevators?  By now you know the drill.  We’ll stuff you inna crowded elevator, jam packed with fat folks and dangerously close to the load limit.  Once again there’s a very good chance that the cable will snap.  But by God you will have truly faced your fear.

Everybody’s scared of death.  We can cure that as well.  We’ll put you in a near death coma, but there’s a good chance you may not survive and to make this as real as possible; if something goes wrong, we will not resuscitate.

Gosh nobody likes pain and some folks are real wimps about it.  That’s why we’re going to take a very sharp scalpel and basically draw on you.  No painkillers, you won’t be strapped down and I suggest you try not to jerk, otherwise there could be even more pain.

People with these sorts of fears manage to niggar their way out of situations.  “Oh I’m scared of heights.  Oh I can’t stand the sight of blood.  I’m so scared of snakes I can’t even watch the Discovery Channel.  I can’t go on that elevator!  You’ll have to take the stairs with me.”  We fawn over these individuals and say, “There there dear, we won’t make you do anything that terrifies you.”

I on the other hand am being forced.  So fuck you very much.