Note: I finally loaded all my documents from my old computer to this one today.  Found a lot of crap I'd completely forgotten about.  Like this one for instance.  Pity I suddenly stopped.

Introduction

 

Beatrice Mammothhawk was a sweet and gentle old woman. She baked cookies, knitted hideous sweaters and had at least 25 cats -- a paragon of all things considered Grandmotherly. However, this story has nothing to do with her.

Let us now direct your attention to the modest two-bedroom home across the street, Beatrice's neighbor Wanda Futz. Wanda is a single/never been married woman in her mid-thirties. She's an accountant who enjoys cuddling, moonlit nights and walks on the beach, or at least that's what it said in the personal ad she posted a month ago.*[1]

Other than the personal ad fiasco, Wanda leads an intensely normal life. She visits her Mother three times a week, belongs to a bridge club, recycles and without fail, does her grocery shopping every Thursday. Like many women, she's drab, short, pudgy and often mistaken for a moose or an upright piece of driftwood. Although it may seem cruel to say, there is nothing even remotely remarkable about Wanda Futz. 

But there is one more thing I should mention*[2] Wanda Futz is a thirty-five year old virgin. She's reached that point in her life when her only shot is a married man or a nutcase. You may argue that being a virgin in your mid-thirties is quite extraordinary, if so, you've failed to notice the society we now live in.

While Wanda has yet to be offered the affections from an otherwise occupied man, she is currently being stalked by a man who lives in her bushes. I suppose in the beginning she was alarmed, but on the other hand, ecstatic that someone out there was infatuated with her. As time went by she grew accustomed to him and even started to offer him coffee on cool nights. In turn, Bob began doing odd jobs around the house and in the yard. On occasion, he even receives mail. No one is quite sure where Bob came from, some claim he's always been there like the Stone Hedges.

The community Wanda resides in is none other than the forgettable Midwestern town of Topeka, Kansas. It's only claim to fame being the home of Reverend Phred Felps and a zip code that begins with the infamous 666. While many prophets and seers foretell Las Vegas, Los Angelos and New York as being Devil towns and the next Babylon. The Reverend Felps maintained Topeka would be the birthplace of the Anti-Christ.

Guess which one was right.

---

[2] For those of you who are afflicted with a short attention span, this is a major plot point, please pay close attention

 
 
Conception

 

Wanda poked at her congealing Marie Calendar's TV dinner. Her interest was focused on the television. 

"You idiot! It's the Rhine!"

For all her screaming, Wanda couldn't convince the contestant to change his answer. Then again, for George the contestant decided he should phone a friend.

Wanda's phone rang. 

"Huh?" She jumped up and scrambled over to the phone, dodging the cat, swerving to miss the coffee table, grabs the receiver and then managed to trip over the phone cord and smack her head on the ottoman.

"Sonuva.. Hello?!"

"Wanda dear, are you all right?  What was that noise?" said a concerned voice that could only be that of Wanda's Mother.

"I'm training for the Olympics. That was my attempt at the long jump. If you call this time tomorrow, you'll be just in time for the pole vaulting event."

"You know you shouldn't over exert yourself, not at your weight. What if you had broken your leg? Who would you've called? Certainly not Mrs. Mammothhawk and with my condition you know I can't help you. You live all alone and have no one to take care of you."

"Well there's always Bob."

"Yes... I forgot." Mother mumbled.

Wanda's Mother was one of the few people who disregarded Bob. The simple reason being that every Mother in this world hopes for greater things than a man who lives in the Hydrangeas for their offspring.

"In fact, he has his nose pressed to the window right now. Hold on."

Wanda untangled herself from the phone cord and opened the front door a crack.

Bob quickly ducked under the bushes and then whispered, "Are you ok miss?"

"Yes thank you Bob, I'm fine."

"Sure you're not hurt?"

"No no, undoubtedly I'll be sore tomorrow."

Bob struggled with some sort of small talk, "So ummm, that your Mom on the phone?"

Wanda nodded.

"Tell her I said, Hi." Bob suggested.

"I don't think that's a very good idea." And Wanda shut the door.