I once tried to sell my soul on Ebay; didn’t get squat for it*, turns out selling your virginity online is a much better market.

For instance:

From Mainichi Daily News

Schoolgirls selling virtual virginity to scumbag suckers in cyberspace

By Ryann Connell
Staff Writer

June 3, 2002

I got 350,000 yen for my virginity once. The guy was some sicko of about 40 who said he ran his own company. I've sold my virginity three times so far."

That is one smart cookie!

And!

Peruvian virgin turns down $1.5m

By Hannah Hennessy

BBC News, Lima

Inside a tiny breeze block house, beneath the dusty hills on the desert outskirts of Lima, religious paintings like the Virgin and Child and the Sacred Heart share wall space with photographs of a beguiling young woman posing as a model.

And it just goes on from there.  Pffft!  She turned it down!

I feel the peer pressure bubbling up inside of me: I wanna play!  What’s the going price for unblemished 28 yr old poontang?  Course I’ll probably have to lose more weight to get a good deal.  At this point I resemble a used car, however I am totally untouched.

I AM the unicorn!

*Note: Here is what Ebay had to say about my soul selling:

The item you have listed does not appear to be consistent with eBay guidelines.

eBay does not allow the auctioning of human souls for the following reasons:

If the soul does not exist, eBay could not allow the auctioning of the soul because there would be nothing to sell. However if the soul does exist, then in accordance with eBay's policy on human parts and remains we would not allow the auctioning of human souls. Therefore, we have ended this auction and all fees have been credited to your account.

I’m not one for news watching and admittedly I’ve only seen blurbs.

By EMILY WAGSTER PETTUS, Associated Press Writer

PHILADELPHIA, Miss. - Forty-one years to the day after three civil rights workers were beaten and shot to death, an 80-year-old former Ku Klux Klansman was found guilty of manslaughter Tuesday in a trial that marked Mississippi's latest attempt to atone for its bloodstained, racist past.

The jury of nine whites and three blacks took less than six hours to clear Edgar Ray Killen of murder but convict him of the lesser charges in the 1964 killings that galvanized the struggle for equality and helped bring about passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

I've always believed crimes should not go unpunished and one should be ready to meet the consequences of their actions, but how does sending an 80 yr old man on oxygen and in a wheelchair a victory for Civil Rights?

When it comes to this story and history I am completely ignorant and really have no right to weigh in on this judgment; so I ask my fellow peers to give their own opinion.

Not only is my home state in the throws of an embarrassingly identical Scopes/Monkey trial, but my narrow-minded family reside there as well.

My cousin Craig, recently turned 16, ordered a copy of the Qur’an off of Amazon because he wanted to understand the people we’re supposedly fighting against.  *sigh* His Mother saw it, snatched it away and said, “I don’t want you reading that!”

We have a copy here, but since he’s still a minor I suppose it would be bad form to go against his Mother’s wishes.  Although her favorite show is Law and Order SVU and because of this Craig knows every damn episode nearly by heart, but don’t you be reading that dirty Qur’an!

It makes my head hurt.  Reminds me of the time my Aunt Kaye was talking about how she accepts her friend who’s a Methodist even though she herself goes to the Church of Christ.  At that time I chose not to explode her brain by saying you, Catholics, Jews and Muslims are all the same damn thing.

What’s an earthquake feel like?  I invented the perfect analogy the other day: It’s like being inside one of those lil snow globes that jerks like to shake up.

And I’m so tired of hearing about Michael Jackson; completely ruined Peter Pan for me.  Well him and this guy.  

I liked his lawyer explanation for tossing his newborn child over the railing, “It was just as they did in the movie The Lion King; The King held up Simba for the kingdom to see.  It’s an African tradition.”  First of all that was a Disney movie, not a logical argument; second, I probably know more about African tradition than Michael Jackson.

Enough of him, let’s talk about some other celebrity jerks.  Usually I don’t give two cat turds about celebrity luv and hookups, but let’s face it; this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes whirlwind is creepy to say the least.

In three minutes they were in luv; in five minutes she converted to Scientology and in seven minutes there engaged.  Till next week do us part.

In an interview Katie Holmes gushed, “I am so in love with Tom, and when I can’t be with him I feel quite sad.”  It sounds as though she’s reverted back to her Dawson Creek’s character.  She goes on to say, “He means everything to me.  He is the smartest, most amazing man I’ve ever met.”  Yes, that’s not love, that’s control.  

Celebrities are so easily manipulated.  They’re like an Etch-a-Sketch, just shake it up and start all over.  

This is your brain on Red Bull and vodka.  Any questions?

Yesterday I heard on the news that nearly 28,000 pacemakers were recalled.  I guess it shouldn’t be that funny, but I laughed anyway.


Yesterday I was able to fix the sofa bed all by myself AND I did it without a penis.  I have lots of bruises to prove it.


We got that dern patio set.  I had the most brilliant of plans: I said, “Look, we’ve spent loads of money at this store.  Give us the damn set that’s already put together, we’ll gladly pay ya more money.”  And amazingly that worked.


Bless my sweet darling Allie’s heart, because of his kidney problem he wazzed all over the place and the two front rooms smell like the Hippo pool.  We’re gonna rip the carpet up and replace it with Pergo.  And although noone ever in this lifetime will take the place of my boy; Molly and I want a new bud.  I don’t wanna look selfish and I ain’t replacing him; I just want someone else to love.


Mother has lost 45 pounds and is runnin circles around me.  Every once in awhile I have to smack her in the head over taking those gallbladder pills and her calcium, but she’s a good gurl and a helluva lot happier.


My cousin Craig is visiting us.  He’s the only 16 yr old boy in the world I like.  It’s amazing, I remember changing his diapers and now he sounds like Barry White.  When he first got here he pulled out his camera and said he’d found this picture from two years ago; it was a picture of Allie lying in the sun.  Is that not the sweetest kid ever or what?  I heart him.


When I was moving stuff outta the way for the new patio set I saw an itty bitty snake.  I was very traumatized and Mother said, “Oh Great!  Now Brooke won’t go back outside for another year.”


A conversation with Russ



Because I was very tired yesterday and my brain turned to mush, I was acting very silly indeed and a few times became inappropriate for a 16 yr old.  For example: We were watching the Discovery Channel and a guy said, “That’s some great suction.”  I replied, “Ya know, there’s not a lot of professions in the world where someone might say, ‘That’s some great suction!”


Then Mother and I were busy discussing Lindsey Lohan’s boobies, after all, who isn’t?  Mother didn’t think they were real but then I pointed out a member of our own family and how her tits are like rocks.  Then I turned to Craig and asked, “Should we keep talking about boobies or would you rather us quit?”   hahahaha, poor dear.


My Lortab work now.

June 12^th there was a 5.2 NNE of San Diego, CA
June 13^th there was a 7.8 in TARAPACA, CHILE
June 14^th there was a 6.8 located in the Aleutian Islands of Alaska
June 15^th there was a 7.2 off the coast of Northern California located 91 miles WSW from Crescent City
June 16^th there was a 5.3 16 miles ESE from San Bernardino, CA

Also I thought this one was odd: there was a 5.1 today located right smack dab where I believe Santa Claus makes his home.

HIGH FIVE!

After a court’s ruling today it would seem that pedophilia is A. okay.  Throngs of pedophiles across the land filled the streets cheering, and then raping their next door neighbor’s daughter.

So come one, come all: Ye sex offenders rejoice.

What a curious horror flick (thank you IFC channel).  The typical teenagers hanging out in the middle of nowhere cabin.  The male teenagers go to the cellar; find some old books, swords and a shotgun; they decided these items would make excellent party favors and brought 'em upstairs to the gurls.  

Well while the other two couples were getting ready to have sex, the young Jewish virgin (after tightening her chastity belt) went running out into the dark, dank forest saying, "I know you're out there!"  Then she was knocked down and raped by a twig; I gotta tell ya I never saw that one coming.  Well big surprise, after that the now non-virgin gurl wants to go home -- can't say that I blame her.  

So the better looking of the two guys offers to take her home.  They drive around and for no reason in particular our hero decided to hop outta the car, unannounced, and take a lil stroll.  So of course the no longer virgin (thank you so much twig possessed by the devil, now who will want me?) Jewish gurl goes running off after him into; yes the dark dank woods again.  Along the way we learn that the bridge is out.  Oh pooh.  They head back to the cabin of hell.  

Now it just gets weirder.  The two gals who never had their virginity to begin with were playing with a deck of cards and for some reason this seemed to invoke a spirit’s wrath.  And oops, who’s harboring that spirit?  Why it's none other than the previously deflowered Jewish gurl.  She just starts biting, chewing and gnawing on everyone.  I dunno about you but I think that film propagates anti-Semitism.

Well after she did some damage to our hero’s girlfriend they decided it would be best to lock the now possessed Jewish gurl in the cellar.  The plan was going swimmingly till the lesser attractive male’s girlfriend became possessed, and obviously he had no other choice then to hack her to bits.  Then they were struck by the most brilliant of plans; let’s go back out into that dark dank forest and bury your girlfriend’s bits.

Now it’s time for a guy on guy chat: Lesser attractive guy, “I'm going to get out of here now!”  Hero guy refuses to leave his lady love.  Lesser attractive guy says, “Leave her; I don’t care about your girlfriend.”  Besides, he’d already chopped his up.

Lesser attractive goes storming out into the dark dank forest once again.  Hero does hero type things like kisses his injured girlfriend on the forehead, and then ooops; well dern a spirit got her too.  He picks up an axe, quickly solidifying their breakup, and then poof; she’s back to normal and tugs at his heartstrings. 

At this point lesser attractive guy comes stumbling back in, mumbling about how the trees won’t let them leave.  And then wouldn’t ya know it, poor Hero’s girlfriend is all possessed again.  So he wallops her good then proceeds to take a chainsaw to her, but *tear* he just can’t bring himself to do it and buries her instead.

Meanwhile the Jewish gurl with a great upper cut frees herself from the cellar and goes waddling out to find the party.

Now everybody wants a piece of the hero.  Hero manages to cut his ex-girlfriend’s head off, but she’s still able to keep her sense of humor.

He runs back into the cabin, shoots a window out then shoves something up against the door to block it – I thought that was rather bemusing.  But oh bugger, here comes Hero’s good friend less attractive guy and he’s possessed too.  So now everyone’s beating and biting on him, then he sees The Book of The Dead.  After an excruciating drawn out pause he was able to throw it in the fire.  Then the corpses died a very nasty death including milk and creamed corn.

Still, I would recommend this movie because it’s fun to yell at and not entirely your typical horror movie.  Dude, they got the virgin first.

This I don’t need.  Ha!  Dontcha wish it was the sweet lil check out boy, but no; stalkers are notorious for being non-cute and incredibly upsetting.

By the way if you’re out there, say hi to the nice folks.  

We had the most darling checkout boy at Safeway; probably half my age but what a cootie patootie he was.  

Mother says, “And hey he paid attention to you.”

I shrugged, “I just thought he was being friendly.”

MOTHER:  Well at least this should solidify your need to go out into the world.

ME: Perhaps.

And it’s a good thing too cuz I thought I was gonna have to take over for him, but it turns out the t-shirt business is really hard and includes work.


Ha!  I knew it!  Although I underestimated; never figured someone actually tried to kill him.  Check it out for yourself:

http://www.tshirthell.com/worsethanhellmessage.htm

Well at least there’s a reason to live again.  This guy is my new hero.  

*sniff* They’re all back:


And so many others.  

*tear* It’s…. It’s just so beautiful. 

Obviously that’s why they’ve outlawed medicinal marijuana.  Because you never know when a paraplegic might strike, or someone ridden with Cancer, on their death bed could jump out at any given moment and bitchslap you.

Yes clearly these fearsome creatures are a threat to our society.  But ya know, gosh if you don’t agree than why not run over to http://www.wamm.org/index.htm  Because Santa Cruz isn’t goin down without a fight.

Wow!  The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has visited my site.  High five!

Let us consider the diamond and how it betters our life…

*Jeopardy music playing in the background*

Ummm, it’s shiny?  

Yes good answer, shiny.  How will we benefit from its shininess?

*blank stare*
 
Let me help you out, it’s a status symbol; a very expensive status symbol.  It’s also just a stupid rock that sits onno finger, ear or neck and truly has no valuable assets.  What did this useless rock cost you?  Five thousand, or perhaps even more.  For that kinda money you could have a housekeeper for a year; add an enclosed sun room off the patio; go on one bloody great trip; or use your great power and now money to annoy.

At the Oscars the only person who did not blind us with these useless rocks was Sophie Okonedo; it might help to know that her father is Nigerian.  Meanwhile P. Diddy and Chris Rock were busy inserting their diamond encrusted hemorrhoid cream.

I love how celebrities wax on endlessly about saving the world:

Give money to the victims of 911 because George Clooney told ya to.

Give money to the Tsunami victims.

Help save the children of Africa.

Oh my God, did you see the new necklace Michael bought for me?  14 carats!  Sure people may have died and small children lost their limbs, but ya gotta admit; it does look purty hot on me.

De Beers literally gained nearly 65% controls over the diamond markets thanks to a couple hundred years of slave labor.  Please, stop giving them money.

Cubic zirconiums are just as nice, but if you’re dead set onna diamond then please consider this company.  http://www.gemesis.com

It's a good thing Diane Sawyer saw it fit to share this information with me tonight, otherwise I may have never figured it out on my own.

Although it does cost money to seek an education in Africa, Diane failed to mention that the diamond mines will happily take the kids for free; thus providing Diane and the rest of her smarmy clan a lifetime supply of bling bling.

Actually that headline is just an eye catcher with a very important word missing: Irrational.  

Yes, now that even Grandma surfs the wide world of weirdoes, it’s not uncommon to meet your significant other via the net.  Snookie met her hubby over the net, but the difference between her relationship and desperate co-dependents is that they took it slow and she didn’t announce in the first week that she was in love.

Way too many times have I seen folks profess their undying devotion to a person they met the previous night in chat.  They gush and froth at the mouth how they had a six hour conversation; which means it must truly be a sign.  No, but clearly they did have way too much time on their hands.

“But he/she missed watching Desperate Housewives and Lost just to talk to me!”

Welcome to the land of Tivo and reruns, besides if those are their favorite shows I’d say it’s a good clue to make a break for it now.  

“But he/she was so open and felt like they could tell me anything.”

Let’s be honest hear; they’re chattin away with their computer screen.  Sure it’s purty nifty that it talks back, but these folks are still hiding behind a computer desk and they’ll say anything if the walls aren’t listening. Plus if someone immediately shares his or her life story including all the “time to grab your hankie” hardships, then that’s a very strong indicator they’ll talk to anyone who doesn’t run from ‘em – it also proves they need therapy.

“But he/she said I was their soul mate.”

That is sad and most often the key line that reels you in. *gush* *gush* *burble* *gurgle*  Once again the problem is your soul mate over there said the same thing to that guy or gal just a couple names down the chatroom list; oh and also to their dog yesterday.  If someone can use such meaningful and impacting words just as easily as flicking a booger then they have all the emotional depth of a Dixie cup.

“Damnit!  He/She said that they loved me!”

No, they said, “I luuuuv you”, to the lil blinking dot on their computer screen.

“Dude, you’re suckin all the air outta my balloon with a happy face on it.”

I know, but someone had to.  You’re babbling on about love, marriage and babies even before you’ve seen the contents of this person’s fridge or the medicine cabinet.  Then there’s that room entirely dedicated to Lord of the Rings or Beanie Babies.

“Wait a minute, now that I think about it there was some strange segue about numerous stains on their carpet.”

Ah ha!  Now run like the wind.

I’m so bummed.  I was overjoyed to learn I had been summoned for jury duty on June 6.  I tingled with delight just anticipating how I could send lawyers and judges alike over the edge.  I even planned to make a special t-shirt just for the occasion: I Got Back Into Life With Depends.

If I got charged with being in contempt with the courts then I coulda went to jail, and I’ve been looking forward to a vacation for some time now.  My only uncertainty was whether I’d be able to go tinkle in front of everybody.

*sigh* but the rug was yanked out from under my feet, and they will not bother me for the next two years.

The latest news in what the media is calling The Trial of the Century both sides are preparing their closing statements.  As you already know, Bigfoot was accused of molesting several small shrubs.  Although the defense was able to produce many strong character witnesses such as The Loch Ness Monster and The Abominable Snowmen;  then came a bout of confusion when Rick James’ ghost dropped by and incessantly repeated, “I ain’t never touched that bitch!”

Meanwhile, up in the Northern Region of Manitoba there has been a Michael Jackson sighting.  A local Canuck claimed to see the Michael Jackson camouflaging himself in a tub of fun balls at a local Chuckie Cheese.  When investigators arrived on the scene a military jacket, fake nose and a few lollipops were the only traces left.  Conflicting reports had put him at a Starbucks in Toronto earlier that day, but were later confirmed false when the woman interviewed described the perpetrator as a black man.

Back at the courthouse tensions began to mount while the prosecution closed with a brief rebuttal. 

The jury seemed quite transfixed and Bigfoot’s army of defense began to sweat.  Then suddenly as if from a sign of heaven, Godzilla came crashing in and the court was forced to recess till the next morning.

Back in Canada The Michael Jackson was obviously making the rounds; from playgrounds to petting zoos the reports were flying in claiming to have encountered an unidentified object in a surgical mask.  Panic spread across the land and for the first time in history, Canadians began locking their doors.

Once the courthouse repairs were finished and Godzilla given a good talking to, the trial resumed.  The defense attempted to invoke the jury’s pity over Bigfoot’s unfortunate childhood, and how Bigfoot would kill himself before ever harming a shrub – all the while Bigfoot was picking a large leafy limb from his teeth.  The defense came to rest and the jury was lead out to make their decision.  In a catastrophic turn of events, the next morning the jury was found to be hung; literally, they were all very dead.  And thus the case was denounced as a mistrial.

There have been no sightings of The Michael Jackson for over a week and Canada can finally breathe a sigh of relief.  Unfortunately reports are just now reaching us of a developing terror sweeping the small nation of Indonesia.

It’s true, although popular opinion would disagree; I’m not mentally ill, at least not enough to get on the public dole.  Apparently I literally need to be hearing voices.

“Oh come on!  I’m not even Bipolar?” Therapist shakes her head. 

Well damn, that’s really gonna bum the folks who consider otherwise.  If it were up to me I’d certainly be sucking off their teat.  *shrug*  As it is…

Here’s an interesting question to pose: Asking outer members of my family to put my bumper sticker on their car, but they may never visit the site.  “No!  Clearly I was talking about my other Aunt Kaye who’s dying of a rare illness and also resides inna nursing home.  God!  Does everything have to be about you?”

In other news Mother is distancing herself from me 28 weeks earlier than I expected.  This is her way of making up for all the supposed mistakes she made with me; if she ostracizes me now maybe I’ll fuck off and go do something.

This doesn't exactly count as Letters from Jerks, first of all because many of these people do not belong in the Jerk category, but this was the best place I could think to put it.

Well you all remember my post What’s Love Got to do with it? And the debacle it seemed to create over at blogcritics.org.  Yes the pissiness did tend to fog up my soliloquy, but it has since been sanitized for your protection.  Not my article, but all the nasty comments were wiped clean and covered with a lovely white wash coating.  Thus expunging the records of all those who participated in my ridicule.

It just occurred to me to make this much more understandable and a bit more fair, here's my brand new spanky improved sanitized version:  http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/05/31/075001.php

And now all I feel is conflicted.  One thing I know for sure is my talent at rallying the salivating mob and turning them against each other.  I’m like one of those annoying Sci-Fi characters; once they enter into a city the townsfolk begin fighting amongst themselves.  The mildest of mannered become blood thirsty, savage beasts.  You know anyone else with this influence and ability to send people into a frenzy?  Celebrities don’t count as I don’t have an army of P.R. personnel backing me.

It’s only me. 

You’ve heard it before, I never delete an email and now it’s time to recreate those comment logs; the good, the bad, and unbelievably hideous.

 

Comment 1 posted by John Matthews on May 31, 2005 04:29 PM:

I think you can find all of the answers to your problems here.

Comment 2 posted by Brooke Lee on May 31, 2005 05:17 PM:

Wow, you’re an idiot.

Comment 3 posted by Temple Stark on May 31, 2005 05:53 PM:

Thanks for the post Brooke.

I won't attempt anything trite at the moment (I'll wait some and then trite away :-) ) - but thanks for posting.

Comment 4 posted by Temple Stark on May 31, 2005 05:55 PM:

Comment 5 posted by Bennett on May 31, 2005 07:09 PM:

Hey Brooke, just got back from your site. Had a lot of fun there, some poignant observations. Have you really gotten into a tub with ice in it?

Anyway, welcome to BC. I'm looking forward to more of your irreverence.

Flirting? Hell, I used to flirt with everyone. Now I flirt when the doll girl isn't looking. She's a sensitive sort. No go at the dating web site? :-) don't blame you.

The Amsterdam concept would be good for a blog or two, but what to do with the poor whipped bastards once you get done?

cheers!

Comment 6 posted by Nicolette Rivers on May 31, 2005 07:55 PM:

Hi, I tried to comment on your blog (non-BC blog) and I couldn't figure out how to register. Ya don't make it easy! : 

Comment 7 posted by Brooke Lee on May 31, 2005 08:03 PM:

Oh they say you have to register but I have it set so folks can comment anonymously. You can just ignore that Login and Password crap and comment to your heart's content -- it'll show up.

Comment 8 posted by Nicolette Rivers on May 31, 2005 08:08 PM:

Too late...I registered!

Comment 9 posted by Katharine Donelson on June 1, 2005 01:38 AM:

Until quite recently, I totally thought flirting was just something you did for fun. I didn't think it had an actual purpose. This was a great post, I really enjoyed reading it.

Comment 10 posted by Lono on June 1, 2005 03:23 AM:

was going to read this post until I saw how dreadfully long it was. Society has warped my fragile mind, and I can't handle any points made outside of a 5 paragraph setting.

funny, everyone told me quitting English after 8th grade would hurt me in the end.

Comment 11 posted by Brooke Lee on June 1, 2005 03:42 AM:

Yes it was a dreadfully long post. I often pass by long posts myself, but suddenly my attention span becomes completely focused when the entire article is about me.

Comment 12 posted by Victor Plenty on June 1, 2005 02:54 PM:

Keen irony, those stick-figure thin people on that book cover. But leaving that aside, thanks for the interesting observations, Brooke.

Sometimes I think about my life as if it were a novel, and wonder what I'd have to do for anybody to read it. Trust me, nobody would ever want to read about what I actually do all day. If I were my own biographer I'd have to fictionalize my story. Spice it up. Make the main character do something interesting! It almost doesn't matter what it is. Anything!

Then I realize: hey! I am my own biographer! I'm the author of my life, goshdarnit! I could make the main character do something interesting today, right now, this very moment.

I could charm my way into a business office and cut a million-dollar deal.

I could stride into the halls of government and start a reform movement destined to sweep the nation.

I could slide into a club and ask out the most attractive person there.

But then I realize my lunch break is over, so I get back to work.

Comment 13 posted by Dawn on June 1, 2005 04:46 PM:

Charisma and charm can't be hidden by excess baggage.

Good post, thanks for sharing Brooke.

Comment 14 posted by S L Cunningham on June 1, 2005 06:37 PM:

Now I know why I don't go on blind dates.

Comment 15 posted by HW Saxton on June 1, 2005 07:07 PM:

There really isn't much excuse for being
fat."Big boned": Everyone knows that is
nonsense. Pleasingly plump: It's great
if you're talking about Seven Rib roast,
otherwise there's no such thing. Slower
metabolism:Again,largely false. Cases of
this being attributable to obesity are
far and few in between.Glandular probs:
As big a fallacy as "Slow Metabolism"
ask any dietician. Sorry to say but fat
just ain't attractive on any body! Fact
is it's plain disgusting. Sorry to be an
offense to all the people that have to
use a rag on a stick to wash those hard
to reach places you have to buy Gold
ond for but...

Mostly, people just need to eat less,eat
better and get off the couch and do some
exercise. America is full of fat people
that are just plain lazy ass. But aside
from the French most European countries
have more than fair share of fat folks.
They like to point the finger at the US
as head of the pack in this category but
I spent three years living in Europe
when I was in the service and almost all
of the countries I visited had as many
fatties as we do in the US. In Germany,
maybe even more. Almost understandable
given the quality of das bier but still
it can be exercised away.

Comment 16 posted by Temple Stark on June 1, 2005 07:22 PM:

And there really isn't any excuse for posting that here. C'mon man - you just want to make someone feel bad. (rhetorical)

That's a pretty low goal.

Brooke already knows 430 is waaay too much. What would you say was fat? What is skinny?

Yep, exercise is one solution. But it doesn't work the same for everyone. Some people DO burn it off much much faster. Or burn it off so much they never gain anything. My step-dad's entire family is like that. Tiny, not rail thin but extremely thin. My step-sister is 40  - and she looks maybe 15, in height and size and everything. My two other step-sisters are almost exactly the same, though older looking.

Why wouldn't the reverse be true that it does not burn away as quickly - in some cases.

I'm a big advocate of exercise and do believe it is the No. 1 solution to most people's weight problems here in the US (that and smaller portions and a respect for food). But it doesn't work the same for anybody. (For those who care --  6-5, 220).

Comment 17 posted by Brooke Lee on June 1, 2005 07:23 PM:

Why H.W. that's brilliant!  You've solved all our problems!  Because obviously that's exactly what this was post about.

You poor, shallow, ignorant tit.  Did ya poke yer eye out after this post?

Comment 18 posted by Dawn on June 1, 2005 07:44 PM:

 HW - health issues aside (and most assuredly Brooke is aware of these) what excuse do you have for leaving a loathsome, ignorant douche bag of a comment like that?

We don't make a habit of being assholes to new BC's, but since your and old jerk who clearly doesn't have a clue, I will make an exception in your case.

Dude, your comment sucked dead rat dicks.

Comment 19 posted by HW Saxton on June 1, 2005 08:49 PM:

 Dawn, Rest assured it was not a personal
attack on any one person. Excuse me for
speaking honestly and openly,I knew that
I was gonna get hung up by the nuts for
being truthful. Ah well.... 

 
Political correctness is often just a
diaper load.Hypocritical BS in this case
I feel. I'll betcha laugh at fat jokes
though dontcha ? Thought so.

I find fat people to be gross esp.since
I have to look at them everyday,have to
deal with being crammed next to them on
subways and planes,even smell them in an
extreme case scenario. I guess it\'s just
a bit of a pet peeve with me. If they
don't like middle aged guys that keep up
a healthy diet,work out and are fat free
then that's cool by me.
 

I find it apalling, generally, that the
"Vertically Challeged" are so lazy that
they dislike themselves to the point of
that they would abuse their bodies this
way. The body is a temple not a trough.

My main point even though it was stated
meanly (HONESTLY) was that most cases of
obesity are largely preventable and are
self wrought as opposed to being medical
conditions. I think it is a disease of
the soul like most drug addictions are
and I think it should be addressed in a
similar manner. Psychological issues and
physical issues treated simultaneously.

My goal was not to purposely stomp all
over anyone's feelings. To any and all
of those whom I offended I APOLOGIZE to
you.

For those of you who feel that I need to
be further lambasted. Have at it. Thanx.

Comment 20 posted by Brooke Lee on June 1, 2005 09:02 PM:

 Now H.W. tell the truth puddin; your only agenda was to wave your withered old penis in the air for all to see, while handing out archaic information that we've all heard from various sources time and time again.

You didn't just catapult us into a wealth of knowledge; instead you just dribbled on your chin a lil.  Here's a napkin for ya.

Comment 21 posted by RJ on June 1, 2005 9:23 PM:

Look. I like big chicks. 5' 6" and 175 pounds won't scare me away, as long as she's got a personality and a deep...mind.

But 430???

Baby, I mean this in the nicest possible way: YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!

Like, if you don't, you'll die.

Now, to be crude, how does one even have penetrative sexual intercourse with a woman over 300 pounds?

Don't blame your dearth of a love life on anything but the root cause: YOU.

Yes, losing weight is hard. But so is carrying around over 400 pounds!

Drop a couple hundred, and I'm sure you'll have guys a-plenty...

Comment 22 posted by Nicolette River on June 1, 2005 10:16 PM:

**If they
don't like middle aged guys that keep up
a healthy diet,work out and are fat free
then that's cool by me.**

Unless you're a yogurt -- or a skeleton in a high school classroom, I don't think that's actually possible.

Even the Olsen Twins aren't fat free.

Comment 23 posted by Bennett on June 1, 2005 10:27 PM:

Eric has a twin?

Comment 24 posted by Nicolette Rivers on June 1, 2005 10:37 PM:

No -- twin sisters. He sponges off their Full House fortune.

Comment 25 posted by ElBicho on June 1, 2005 10:56 PM:

HW and RJ,

>From both your comments, I can't tell if you guys are fucking assholes or fucking idiots.  Probably both, but you can't get mad because I\'m being honest about how I feel, right. 

This young woman opens herself up and allows us an inside look at her world, and you two dimwits come along and trash her for no reason.  If you don't like fat people, why did you read a post about a fat chick?  Nowhere did I see that she asked for anyone's opinion on what she could do about her condition, or what you thought of obese people.

"it was not a personal attack on any one person."

You're right it's a personal attack on many people.  That makes it so much better.  I find it appalling that you can\'t spell or write comments that fill the page.

You are both an embarrassment to the site and mankind.  Sorry, but I find rude, ignorant, willfully hurtful people kind of gross.

Comment 26 posted by Brooke Lee on June 2, 2005 12:22 AM:

Ya know after I posted this I wondered if it was a mistake; it was so bloody raw and open.  It looked completely out place amongst all the Bigfoot sightings and updates on the Michael Jackson's trial.

Then when the only reply I got was suggesting a fat folks dating service, I knew I'd buggered up.

But I was wrong; many people looked past the glaring title of this post and discovered something else.  Saw what I saw?  Maybe.  Found something else?  Could be.  Was truly enlightened and hopes to worship me for all eternity?  Gosh I sure hope so.

Some folks had differencing opinions, and I personally quite enjoyed my banter with H.W.

I'm not hurt.  My God to be so thin skinned after all this time, I never possibly coulda made it through life so far.  When you slit yourself open for the entire world to see, not everyone is going to enjoy it nor be able to handle it.

Anyways for the folks who took the time to visit my personal site; you know I'm no longer 430. :) 

Comment 27 posted by HW Saxton on June 2, 2005 12:33 AM:

Brooke, this "withered old penis" hasn't
ever seen the inside of a fat sow such
as you and it never will.I don't"do" fat
broads.There are lotsa chubby chasers. I
am sure if you look hard enough ya might
just find one who would even fuck some
porcine beast such as yourself. I tried
to apologize but can only do it once,it
lacks sincerity after that. Whether or
not you chose to accept bothers me not
a bit. In fact it'll give me something
to pine over on these long hot summer
nights. I'm just shattered. 

But hey there Petunia... Well, batteries
ARE cheap. Cheaper than getting a man
drunk enough to make the sign of the two
backed beast with YOU anyway.

If you do manage to get a man into bed
without rolling over on him and crushing
him to death,remember this: Just be sure
to coat youself good with flour so that
when he rolls you over all he has to do
is look for a wet spot. Now go,my little
twinkie of love, Haagen Daazs waits for
no one. But,things are not as bad as it
may seem. You can always get yourself
some part time work and make extra $$$
modeling tents.

El Bicho,You spineless bitch. Let me be
a little less than eloquent with you OK?
Go fuck yourself in the ass. That's it.
Y\'all win, I know when I've been licked,
all over. Later guys, it's been fun...

PS: Brooke is it true that your ass is
so big that it has little asses going in
orbit around it?

Comment 28 posted by Nicolette Rivers on June 2, 2005 12:36 AM:

That's right. There's always someone who wants you to define your happiness and worth by their standards. There's no point in giving them the satisfaction.

I believe the expression which says living well is the best revenge.

Comment 29 posted by Brooke Lee on June 2, 2005 12:47 AM:

Since H.W. just tossed his dignity out the window, let us say farewell while he strolls away as a martyr, proudly showing off his wounds; for that\'s all he has left. Well that and his "temple".

Comment 30 posted by Victor Plenty on June 2, 2005 12:55 AM:

RJ and HW, you've both been insufferably rude here.

This is a post about flirting. Your comments might have been welcome and useful if you could have bothered to offer some advice on how to improve one's flirting technique. There's no excuse for your insulting and condescending tangents about weight loss and health risks. You really think you\'re the first ones to mention those points to any overweight person reading this? Get yourselves some frickin' clues, fellas.

Oh, and trying to hide behind your bullshit whining about "political correctness" only demonstrates the inherent weakness of your faulty attempts at logic.

This was never a matter of political correctness. This is all about common courtesy and civility, a standard you have both failed to uphold.

Nobody is asking you to date people you don't find attractive, guys. If you're that shallow, and blind to what really matters in a partner, it's your loss. You're merely being asked to keep your tasteless and pointless cruelty down to a dull roar.

Comment 31 posted by El Bicho on June 2, 2005 1:01 AM:

Awwww, did I strike a nerve?  "Rest assured," HW, "it was not a personal attack on any one person. Excuse me for speaking honestly and openly."  I had no idea your feeling would be hurt, considering how callous you are towards others.  I was standing up for a stranger that you maliciously insulted when the editors just let it slide.  How on earth is that "spineless"?  To quote Inigo Montoya, "I do not think it means what you think it means." 

P.S. you should keep your gay fantasies to yourself before the Christian swarm descends upon you.

Get cancer!

Comment 32 posted by Dave Nalle on June 2, 2005 1:20 AM:

Wow, I knew HW had a screw loose, but I never expected something like this to set him so totally off the deep end.  I think RJ was just trying to express concern in an inept way, so give him a break.

And Brooke, I went to and enjoyed your site, and given that you're not currently svelte, you don't look bad at all.  I actually have an acquaintance about your size who's not nearly as pretty who recently got married and had her first kid.  She dropped quite a bit of weight for before getting pregnant, but then gained most of it back in the inevitable process.  Her husband, of course, is virtually two-dimensional, but a nice guy.

As for flirting, it's all just talking to people.  Don't think of it as flirting, think of it as just chatting.  It's not about sex, it's not about being 'cute' or getting attention, it's just about expressing your personality and finding out a little about the other person.  Plus, it's harmless and never has to go any farther than you want it to.  Plus, practice makes perfect.

Dave

Comment 33 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 1:22 AM:

I deleted the one that got most personal. It just takes a few minutes for the page to rebuild.

Comment 34 posted by El Bicho on June 2, 2005 1:25 AM:

"Now, to be crude, how does one even have penetrative sexual intercourse with a woman over 300 pounds?"

Dave, do you really want me to believe a statement like that is inept concern?  It's a post about being awkward in regards to flirting.

Comment 35 posted by Eric Berlin on June 2, 2005 1:25 AM:

Someone somewhere called out for the (assumed) cool hand of an editor.

I don't even know where to start in this hornet's nest. If I knock out one comment, where do I stop?

I'm asking openly here -- no agenda.

Perhaps the good E Olsen will have a look. It's late and my head is fuzzy.

For now, I ask all to get their chill on and play nice.

Comment 36 posted by HW Saxton on June 2, 2005 1:30 AM:

El Bicho,El Panoche Grande or whatever,
Strike a nerve ? No I'm just a tireless
crusader in the war on stupidity and I
fight my fights where they appear.If you
want to get into a battle of the wits,
come back after you've armed yourself.
It's no fun picking on the defenseless.
And for the record Dawn O. had already
spoke in behalf of Brooke.

 
La Bitcho,I had no idea whether you were
male or female,"El" not withstanding as
many people choose online names that are
not reflective of who or what they are.
Oh,I suppose that I could re-address my
insult to be gender correct but it\'s a
little too late and this is getting old.
 

Gay fantasies?????????? You use that as
if it's a very insulting thing.Is there
something wrong with being gay??? It is
not MY style but there is not anything
wrong with that in my POV, but it is not
me.Funny isn't it,how your anger with me
brings out your dislike for gay folks.
YOU been hangin' with the fundies ?

Spineless,yes. I'd already apologized to
the parties involved of which I didn't
know you were one. So to kick after the
fact yes that lacks integrity especially
considering you were not involved.Hmmm..

"Get Cancer"? Is that the sequel to "Get
Shorty"? I'm an Elmore Leonard fan but I
must say I've never read that one.

Comment 37 posted by Victor Plenty on June 2, 2005 1:30 AM:

Well, Eric (and Eric), I'll make no complaint about the deletion of my comment #30 if it happens to become a bit confusing because the offending earlier comments happen to just disappear for some mysterious reason

Comment 38 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 1:32 AM:

No worries, Victor, #30 is perfectly fine.

Comment 39 posted by Eric Berlin on June 2, 2005 1:33 AM:

Thanks bhw

Comment 40 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 1:39 AM:

The comment policy is a goddamned joke.

Comment 41 posted by Eric Berlin on June 2, 2005 1:45 AM:

My thanks was entered before HW's latest missive... so I wasn't trying to be snarky.

Comment 42 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 1:47 AM:

Spineless,yes. I'd already apologized to the parties involved of which I didn't know you were one. So to kick after the fact yes that lacks integrity especially considering you were not involved.Hmmm.

Except that you ended your "apology" with:

For those of you who feel that I need to be further lambasted. Have at it. Thanx.

You got much less lambasting than what was coming to you.

Comment 43 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 1:50 AM:

I figured, Eric. Thanks.

Comment 44 posted by Victor Plenty on June 2, 2005 1:50 AM:

I worked very hard to keep my comments here civil. Still, I\'d be quite glad to see all my words disappear from here, if that's what it takes to also rid ourselves of childish insults from those who whine about how icky they think it is, having to share the world with people who happen to be black, or fat, or whatever other thing their brainless bigotry leads them to disdain.

Comment 45 posted by Brooke Lee on June 2, 2005 2:00 AM:

Errr, maybe I shoulda posted something about Bigfoot or Michael Jackson instead.

Comment 46 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 2:02 AM:

Your hard work paid off, Victor. I'd rather not decimate the entire thread, if I can avoid it, so I'm going to leave things the way they are for now. If nothing else, this thread is a reminder that just because you believe, say, there is "not anything wrong with" being gay, doesn't mean you're not a bigot.

Comment 47 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 2:04 AM:

Brooke, keep writing what you do and the way you do!

Comment 48 posted by Natalie Davis on June 2, 2005 2:24 AM:

I am focusing on the post and the post alone. Ms. Lee, this would make an interesting book. Your observations and experiences are fascinating and there is such heart and emotion within the words. I've not see your picture yet, but it sounds like you are one beautiful woman to me. Thank you for sharing this, and apologies for, well, you know. This is often a sad place.

Comment 49 posted by El Bicho on June 2, 2005 2:28 AM:

So does that make you a stupid crusader?  It's a battle you are sure to win because you forget statements you make minutes apart.  You give the go-ahead for your lambasting and then you cry and whimper like a panoche when it happens?  If you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it.  That's a lack of integrity, just like your disingenious apology to the original poster.

If you actually had any wit, you could make your insults gender-neutral, dumbass (see how I did that). 

My reference to gay fantasy was not used in an insulting way, but if that's the way you took it, that illustrates your mindset no matter how much you protest.  I was just responding matter-of-factly when you wrote about me F'ing myself and you getting licked by me.  When it's two men involved with each other, that's gay, regardless of what your father, grandfather, brother, priest and gym teacher told you.  Not wrong, but gay.

My anger brings out my dislike for you and your immature antics and boorish nature, although the editors have allowed you to appear better than your are. 

If you are really a Leonard fan, might I suggest you get "Out of Sight."

Comment 50 posted by Natalie Davis on June 2, 2005 2:34 AM:

Saw the photos and I was right: You *are* beautiful.

Comment 51 posted by Dawn on June 2, 2005 8:41 AM:

Hey, anyone who has the brass ones to pony up and apology is alright in my book.  I was kind of shocked that HW, who is notoriously *not* vicious, would leave such a hurtful comment anyway.

Yes, Brooke, your post was indeed appropriate for the site and I liked it very much.  Flirting is an artform and a dance, it's difficult to define and hard to pin down.  It takes time and effort to figure it out and lots of people get it wrong - apparently you are good at it in spite of your efforts to do otherwise.

Be proud - and of course you are lovely!

OH and RJ, diplomacy may not be your "thing" but just go crawl in a hole, or apologize.  Otherwise you will confirm all of out deepest suspicions about your little "secret".

Comment 52 posted by bhw on June 2, 2005 8:47 AM:

The "apology" was bullshit, since it contained more slurs and was followed by another comment that was beyond the pale.

Comment 53 posted by Dawn on June 2, 2005 11:19 AM:

Yes, bhw et al, sadly I was able to view the skanky comment from HW (after I left mine) and gives a rather false impression about what happened.

Okay, this is a general comment to those who are either members or just readers who leave comments.  No man (or woman) is a fucking island here and no one person can't be replaced.  While I hate to see people leave over petty disputes, I sure don't miss a disgusting, mean-spirited, reprehensible, bigoted, cruel, hateful, useless, shriveled little prick like HW Saxton who would level such an off topic baseless attack on a fellow writer, especially one trying to be open and honest.

That shit doesn't fucking fly.  I will harass Eric endlessly until he hunts the offender down and beats them to death with his bare hands.  This isn't my site and don't try to run things around here, but I will step up and right wrongs when I see them.

So fuck off Saxton and anyone who thinks comments like his are appropriate. And don't come back until you can act like a human, not a fucking ape.

No offense to apes.

G*ddamn people are fucking stupid asses.

Comment 54 posted by Eric Olsen on June 2, 2005 11:39 AM:

thanks Brooke and nothing but the best to you

Comment 55 posted by Eric Olsen on June 2, 2005 11:40 AM:

oh, and Bigfoot and Michael Jackson are always excellent themes

Comment 56 posted by Brooke Lee on June 2, 2005 11:44 AM:

Oh don't hound Eric; I imagine the poor guy got his share of email. No matter what there's always gonna be assholes.

I've tried to right the wrongs before; sometimes I triumphed and sometimes I failed miserably. But if we didn't have the occasional wrong in the world then we couldn't be so damn boastful when we got something right. :)

I just didn't want it to look as though HW was hobbling off like a wounded old man.

Comment 57 posted by Victor Plenty on June 2, 2005 10:17 PM:

Flirting is every bit as relevant here, in my opinion, as all that other stuff about Bigfoot and Michael Jackson.

Just keep them separate, that's all I ask.

Flirting or Michael Jackson or Bigfoot = good article! Read and enjoy!

Flirting and Michael Jackson, or flirting and Bigfoot = bad article! Run for your life!

Comment 58 posted by Eric Berlin on June 2, 2005 10:24 PM:

Good use of Boolean operators...

Comment 59 posted by Cerulean on June 2, 2005 10:32 PM:

Welcome to Blogcritics. We could use more females. Maybe you'd like my writing here. In case you can't find a link, try cutting and pasting this:

http://blogcritics.org/author.php?author=Cerulean

Comment 60 posted by Dave Nalle on June 2, 2005 10:41 PM:

But flirting and mj and bigfoot might not be so bad, eh? Might be just the harsh dose of reality jacko needs.

Dave

Comment 61 posted by Brooke Lee on June 2, 2005 11:10 PM:

I think Michael Jackson and Bigfoot should do a Broadway Musical together and close with a brief rebuttal.

Ok, ready?  One… Two…. Three… Pop it!  Quick!  Chase it with some milk.  Damn that Alprazolam is one bitter pill; it’s like licking the cat box -- ummm, not that I’ve done that.

Christ!  There I was whining about my post on Blogcritics.org and then suddenly the mood took an upturn; folks actually comprehended the idea I was trying to get across.  Sure there were a couple of naysayers, but you gotta expect that.

Then everything went to hell inna hand basket.  You go look for yourself:

Whoops it would seem the comments were recently sanitized for your protection, but you can still find them here.   

It would seem my soliloquy got lost inna sea of pissiness.

Anyways I just wanted to shout out to El Bicho:  I’m considering getting into the t-shirt business since T-Shirt Hell’s castration and I just wanted to tell ya that I think Get Cancer! Would make a great t-shirt; perfect for family reunions, airports, subways and jury duty.