HIGH FIVE!

After a court’s ruling today it would seem that pedophilia is A. okay.  Throngs of pedophiles across the land filled the streets cheering, and then raping their next door neighbor’s daughter.

So come one, come all: Ye sex offenders rejoice.

What a curious horror flick (thank you IFC channel).  The typical teenagers hanging out in the middle of nowhere cabin.  The male teenagers go to the cellar; find some old books, swords and a shotgun; they decided these items would make excellent party favors and brought 'em upstairs to the gurls.  

Well while the other two couples were getting ready to have sex, the young Jewish virgin (after tightening her chastity belt) went running out into the dark, dank forest saying, "I know you're out there!"  Then she was knocked down and raped by a twig; I gotta tell ya I never saw that one coming.  Well big surprise, after that the now non-virgin gurl wants to go home -- can't say that I blame her.  

So the better looking of the two guys offers to take her home.  They drive around and for no reason in particular our hero decided to hop outta the car, unannounced, and take a lil stroll.  So of course the no longer virgin (thank you so much twig possessed by the devil, now who will want me?) Jewish gurl goes running off after him into; yes the dark dank woods again.  Along the way we learn that the bridge is out.  Oh pooh.  They head back to the cabin of hell.  

Now it just gets weirder.  The two gals who never had their virginity to begin with were playing with a deck of cards and for some reason this seemed to invoke a spirit’s wrath.  And oops, who’s harboring that spirit?  Why it's none other than the previously deflowered Jewish gurl.  She just starts biting, chewing and gnawing on everyone.  I dunno about you but I think that film propagates anti-Semitism.

Well after she did some damage to our hero’s girlfriend they decided it would be best to lock the now possessed Jewish gurl in the cellar.  The plan was going swimmingly till the lesser attractive male’s girlfriend became possessed, and obviously he had no other choice then to hack her to bits.  Then they were struck by the most brilliant of plans; let’s go back out into that dark dank forest and bury your girlfriend’s bits.

Now it’s time for a guy on guy chat: Lesser attractive guy, “I'm going to get out of here now!”  Hero guy refuses to leave his lady love.  Lesser attractive guy says, “Leave her; I don’t care about your girlfriend.”  Besides, he’d already chopped his up.

Lesser attractive goes storming out into the dark dank forest once again.  Hero does hero type things like kisses his injured girlfriend on the forehead, and then ooops; well dern a spirit got her too.  He picks up an axe, quickly solidifying their breakup, and then poof; she’s back to normal and tugs at his heartstrings. 

At this point lesser attractive guy comes stumbling back in, mumbling about how the trees won’t let them leave.  And then wouldn’t ya know it, poor Hero’s girlfriend is all possessed again.  So he wallops her good then proceeds to take a chainsaw to her, but *tear* he just can’t bring himself to do it and buries her instead.

Meanwhile the Jewish gurl with a great upper cut frees herself from the cellar and goes waddling out to find the party.

Now everybody wants a piece of the hero.  Hero manages to cut his ex-girlfriend’s head off, but she’s still able to keep her sense of humor.

He runs back into the cabin, shoots a window out then shoves something up against the door to block it – I thought that was rather bemusing.  But oh bugger, here comes Hero’s good friend less attractive guy and he’s possessed too.  So now everyone’s beating and biting on him, then he sees The Book of The Dead.  After an excruciating drawn out pause he was able to throw it in the fire.  Then the corpses died a very nasty death including milk and creamed corn.

Still, I would recommend this movie because it’s fun to yell at and not entirely your typical horror movie.  Dude, they got the virgin first.

This I don’t need.  Ha!  Dontcha wish it was the sweet lil check out boy, but no; stalkers are notorious for being non-cute and incredibly upsetting.

By the way if you’re out there, say hi to the nice folks.  

We had the most darling checkout boy at Safeway; probably half my age but what a cootie patootie he was.  

Mother says, “And hey he paid attention to you.”

I shrugged, “I just thought he was being friendly.”

MOTHER:  Well at least this should solidify your need to go out into the world.

ME: Perhaps.