Not only is my home state in the throws of an embarrassingly identical Scopes/Monkey trial, but my narrow-minded family reside there as well.

My cousin Craig, recently turned 16, ordered a copy of the Qur’an off of Amazon because he wanted to understand the people we’re supposedly fighting against.  *sigh* His Mother saw it, snatched it away and said, “I don’t want you reading that!”

We have a copy here, but since he’s still a minor I suppose it would be bad form to go against his Mother’s wishes.  Although her favorite show is Law and Order SVU and because of this Craig knows every damn episode nearly by heart, but don’t you be reading that dirty Qur’an!

It makes my head hurt.  Reminds me of the time my Aunt Kaye was talking about how she accepts her friend who’s a Methodist even though she herself goes to the Church of Christ.  At that time I chose not to explode her brain by saying you, Catholics, Jews and Muslims are all the same damn thing.

What’s an earthquake feel like?  I invented the perfect analogy the other day: It’s like being inside one of those lil snow globes that jerks like to shake up.

And I’m so tired of hearing about Michael Jackson; completely ruined Peter Pan for me.  Well him and this guy.  

I liked his lawyer explanation for tossing his newborn child over the railing, “It was just as they did in the movie The Lion King; The King held up Simba for the kingdom to see.  It’s an African tradition.”  First of all that was a Disney movie, not a logical argument; second, I probably know more about African tradition than Michael Jackson.

Enough of him, let’s talk about some other celebrity jerks.  Usually I don’t give two cat turds about celebrity luv and hookups, but let’s face it; this Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes whirlwind is creepy to say the least.

In three minutes they were in luv; in five minutes she converted to Scientology and in seven minutes there engaged.  Till next week do us part.

In an interview Katie Holmes gushed, “I am so in love with Tom, and when I can’t be with him I feel quite sad.”  It sounds as though she’s reverted back to her Dawson Creek’s character.  She goes on to say, “He means everything to me.  He is the smartest, most amazing man I’ve ever met.”  Yes, that’s not love, that’s control.  

Celebrities are so easily manipulated.  They’re like an Etch-a-Sketch, just shake it up and start all over.  

This is your brain on Red Bull and vodka.  Any questions?

Yesterday I heard on the news that nearly 28,000 pacemakers were recalled.  I guess it shouldn’t be that funny, but I laughed anyway.


Yesterday I was able to fix the sofa bed all by myself AND I did it without a penis.  I have lots of bruises to prove it.


We got that dern patio set.  I had the most brilliant of plans: I said, “Look, we’ve spent loads of money at this store.  Give us the damn set that’s already put together, we’ll gladly pay ya more money.”  And amazingly that worked.


Bless my sweet darling Allie’s heart, because of his kidney problem he wazzed all over the place and the two front rooms smell like the Hippo pool.  We’re gonna rip the carpet up and replace it with Pergo.  And although noone ever in this lifetime will take the place of my boy; Molly and I want a new bud.  I don’t wanna look selfish and I ain’t replacing him; I just want someone else to love.


Mother has lost 45 pounds and is runnin circles around me.  Every once in awhile I have to smack her in the head over taking those gallbladder pills and her calcium, but she’s a good gurl and a helluva lot happier.


My cousin Craig is visiting us.  He’s the only 16 yr old boy in the world I like.  It’s amazing, I remember changing his diapers and now he sounds like Barry White.  When he first got here he pulled out his camera and said he’d found this picture from two years ago; it was a picture of Allie lying in the sun.  Is that not the sweetest kid ever or what?  I heart him.


When I was moving stuff outta the way for the new patio set I saw an itty bitty snake.  I was very traumatized and Mother said, “Oh Great!  Now Brooke won’t go back outside for another year.”


A conversation with Russ



Because I was very tired yesterday and my brain turned to mush, I was acting very silly indeed and a few times became inappropriate for a 16 yr old.  For example: We were watching the Discovery Channel and a guy said, “That’s some great suction.”  I replied, “Ya know, there’s not a lot of professions in the world where someone might say, ‘That’s some great suction!”


Then Mother and I were busy discussing Lindsey Lohan’s boobies, after all, who isn’t?  Mother didn’t think they were real but then I pointed out a member of our own family and how her tits are like rocks.  Then I turned to Craig and asked, “Should we keep talking about boobies or would you rather us quit?”   hahahaha, poor dear.


My Lortab work now.