It's a good thing Diane Sawyer saw it fit to share this information with me tonight, otherwise I may have never figured it out on my own.

Although it does cost money to seek an education in Africa, Diane failed to mention that the diamond mines will happily take the kids for free; thus providing Diane and the rest of her smarmy clan a lifetime supply of bling bling.

Actually that headline is just an eye catcher with a very important word missing: Irrational.  

Yes, now that even Grandma surfs the wide world of weirdoes, it’s not uncommon to meet your significant other via the net.  Snookie met her hubby over the net, but the difference between her relationship and desperate co-dependents is that they took it slow and she didn’t announce in the first week that she was in love.

Way too many times have I seen folks profess their undying devotion to a person they met the previous night in chat.  They gush and froth at the mouth how they had a six hour conversation; which means it must truly be a sign.  No, but clearly they did have way too much time on their hands.

“But he/she missed watching Desperate Housewives and Lost just to talk to me!”

Welcome to the land of Tivo and reruns, besides if those are their favorite shows I’d say it’s a good clue to make a break for it now.  

“But he/she was so open and felt like they could tell me anything.”

Let’s be honest hear; they’re chattin away with their computer screen.  Sure it’s purty nifty that it talks back, but these folks are still hiding behind a computer desk and they’ll say anything if the walls aren’t listening. Plus if someone immediately shares his or her life story including all the “time to grab your hankie” hardships, then that’s a very strong indicator they’ll talk to anyone who doesn’t run from ‘em – it also proves they need therapy.

“But he/she said I was their soul mate.”

That is sad and most often the key line that reels you in. *gush* *gush* *burble* *gurgle*  Once again the problem is your soul mate over there said the same thing to that guy or gal just a couple names down the chatroom list; oh and also to their dog yesterday.  If someone can use such meaningful and impacting words just as easily as flicking a booger then they have all the emotional depth of a Dixie cup.

“Damnit!  He/She said that they loved me!”

No, they said, “I luuuuv you”, to the lil blinking dot on their computer screen.

“Dude, you’re suckin all the air outta my balloon with a happy face on it.”

I know, but someone had to.  You’re babbling on about love, marriage and babies even before you’ve seen the contents of this person’s fridge or the medicine cabinet.  Then there’s that room entirely dedicated to Lord of the Rings or Beanie Babies.

“Wait a minute, now that I think about it there was some strange segue about numerous stains on their carpet.”

Ah ha!  Now run like the wind.

I’m so bummed.  I was overjoyed to learn I had been summoned for jury duty on June 6.  I tingled with delight just anticipating how I could send lawyers and judges alike over the edge.  I even planned to make a special t-shirt just for the occasion: I Got Back Into Life With Depends.

If I got charged with being in contempt with the courts then I coulda went to jail, and I’ve been looking forward to a vacation for some time now.  My only uncertainty was whether I’d be able to go tinkle in front of everybody.

*sigh* but the rug was yanked out from under my feet, and they will not bother me for the next two years.