Sam and Ella are running rampant in L.A. County and leaving violent diarrhea in their wake.

Woe be it unto the individual who has recently partaken the cuisine at Il Fornaio’s in Beverly Hills.

And that guy is actually proud of himself.  That’s just sad.

You ever try to watch one of those competitive eating contests?  I know, I can’t make it through one either.  One man was showing off his trophies and he earned one for eating seven whole sticks of butter.

Plus supposedly these people train throughout the year.  How many times a week did that guy work on eating sticks of butter?  Although I think your vast majority barf it back up; it’s still purty safe to say that these people hate their colons.

How bout this:

	Here is what Spider, Molly's favorite toy originally resembled.
Here is what Spider has been reduced to after years of abuse and torment.
With more than half his stuffing gone, several severed limbs and an obvious lobotomy this once Spider is in dire straits. Clinging to life with the help of strapping tape, I can only hope he no longer feels pain. Appearances are of no concern to Molly; she still prefers Spider over all other array of toys, and in fact still tries to gut him onna daily basis. I try to explain to her that perhaps she should be a lil more tender with Spider as the company is no longer producing him. Plus everytime I travel to Petsmart I always come home with a new toy.
1. Squeaky Mouse; 2. other Squeaky Mouse; 3. Porcupine; 4. Frog; 5. other Spider onna Stick 6. original and Decimated Spider; 7. Squeaky Mouse onna Stick; 8. Mousey; 9. Gay Buffalo; 10. Horsey Mind you, unlike Spider, three-quarter of these toys contain Catnip (i.e. Kitty Cocaine). Catnip is part of the Marijuana family and yet she still chooses poor ol' Spider to take out her aggressions on.

 

I want something… badly.  Such an overwhelming desire has managed to cloud any logic or rational.

Well almost; if I can’t have him then I can at least sponsor him.

Wanna see?

It turns out those live concerts from around the world to promote “awareness” and Coca-Cola commercials that sing about peace, love and happiness don’t heal the world and make it a better place.  In fact, in light of recent events it’s clearly produced the opposite desired effect.

So please; stop holding hands and singing John Lennon songs or buying useless plastic bracelets with heartwarming thoughts carved into ‘em.  People’s lives are at stake.  Stop making suggestions and try to be a lil more proactive.  If that’s too much for you than follow me over to Sweden or just up to Canada (I don’t think they bother with other people’s affairs anymore); because this is one train wreck I don’t wanna be a part of.

I'd like to clarify my statement about Canada: What I was so ineloquently trying to say is that I don't think Canadians are down with killing a bunch of folks, especially when it's someone else's war.  I like Canada, my best friend lives in Vancouver and she says it's obscenely clean.  Also the people aren't back stabbing or competing and paranoid over jobs.  AND they don't kill as many folks up there.

Can’t nigger outta this one; boxed myself in on purpose. 

Oh!  Fret!  Worry!  *wringing hands*

This is it.  I have to go *pointing outside* out there.

How many times in your life have you seen a man throw his arms up in the air with hopeless abandon and announce, “I’m so alone?”  If you’re a person equipped with a vagina than I imagine your answer would be, “Too damn many.”

What exactly is the reason why men need someone around (most often in cases a woman, unless you’re a poof)?  Do they need someone to watch them and hold their hand while they cram potato chips into their mouth, fart on the nice sofa and watch an NFL game from 1976?  Do they need someone to listen intently as they wax on about their favorite bands and then watch them play air guitar?  To wash out all the skid marks on their underwear?  Maybe it’s just to reassure them and say, “There, there.  You’re not a complete pathetic loser.”

If it’s just sex then for God sakes get a blowup doll or a hooker.

MAN: *sobbing* I’m so alone!

ME: Then get a dog and shut up.

MAN: But I can’t fuck that.

ME: Then get a female.

CNN was busy droning on about Iraq.

HNN was fixated with the missing teen in Aruba.  I tell you what that gal must have given great head.

I’m not sure what FOX news was yammering about, but it was the O’Reilly factor so I presume it was mostly about him.

The L.A. news feeds were particularly worried that they were headed for a stage 3 electrical emergency.

The national network news was very concerned over a policeman in London pulling a gun onna suspect.

NBC did briefly mention there had been an explosion in the resort town of Sharm el-Sheik, but there was no word of casualties.  Yes a four star resort did burn completely to the ground a little after one in the morning, but we’re sure everybody’s fine.

Remember how every possible network and news channel ever created interrupted their regular programming for the dramatic OJ Simpson chase?

Minutes ago two large explosions hit the tourist town Sharm el-Sheik; heavily damaging a four star resort.

Here is the unfortunate advertisement Yahoo chose to embed in this article.

What exactly are their demands?  If we’ve learned anything from the recent article, Come See the Softer Side of Saddam, it’s that terrorists want snacks and lots of ‘em.

Certainly with all our high tech spy ware we must know the whereabouts of at least a few of these organizations’ headquarters.  I propose we drop provisions loaded with Cheetos, Doritos, Little Debbies, Hostess Cupcakes and Twinkies; and I must stress to the government that this is no time to get chintzy.  DO NOT send these terrorists off brand products unless your goal is to really piss them off.

At least that’s the general consensus of several human rights’ organizations.  Criminals across this great country are feeling pain and this barbaric behavior must stop.

So I guess we have to revert back to a 2 x 4 with a rusty nail or how about our old reliable trusty pal the gun?  But that’s devolving and we Americans are better than that.  I suggest we upgrade to a personalized and portable howitzer.  You can easily take out a possible criminal, jaywalker or that annoying damn peacock your neighbors bought that won’t shut up, and the beauty is; they won’t feel a thing.

Yes tasers have killed a few people, then again, so have peanuts.

Well most of 'em I don't know anyway, but according to my web stats 50,000 folks have breezed through my site since February.

Who the hell are you people?  Those of you I do know course don't have to answer this question.

This is a day for celebration: I’m the first person ever to be kicked off of Blogcritics.  Mom and my therapist are very proud.  

But why was I kicked off?  Simply because folks were beat red with embarrassment. First of all, you and I both know the suicide thing had nothing to do with Blogcritics, but as a writer I understand how one might assume it’s always about them.

You kids wanna see some letters?

Here is a letter from the head honcho himself:

From:    "Phillip Winn" <pwinnski@gmail.com>  
To:    "Brooke" <dinglberry@yahoo.com>
Subject: Blogcritics.org
CC:    "Eric Olsen" <Ecolsen2003@cs.com>, "Temple Stark" <writer@templestark.com>

Given recent events, there is some question about whether you want to remain part of Blogcritics.org.

We'll be happy to have you keep posting, and I certainly appreciate your contributions to the site. At the same time, we're never much thrilled with seeing private email groups posted publicly and such.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you right now, and also whether you want to remain part of Blogcritics.org.

Thanks.

From yours truly:

Hey Phil, I actually could use a nice vacation.

Ya know, you never answered my question about the cost of running a site of this caliber.  I know another similar site that brings in at 1.5 million a year and asks for donations on the side.  Kind of the same set up; messageboards, posts, nearly identical traffic.  All I wanna know is: does it take that much money to maintain a site?

If you people woulda kept your nose outta my business I coulda nailed someone to the wall.  For Christsakes you're writers!  Bleeding hearts do not come with  the package.  And why ever would you give a shit about my welfare when just two days prior you were cursing my existence?

Head Honcho:

Sorry, I don't remember you asking. We're fortunate that all of the folks involved are volunteers, including me, so our only costs are for the hosting. At this point we're barely bringing in enough to cover hosting costs, so $1.5 million is way, way, way out of range. I hope that changes. The two biggest costs I can think of would be the hosting costs (and we've got a great deal there, but they can be high), and any paid staff (we have none, but we'd like to, given the hours we put in). For $1.5 million, they better have a lot of staff!

I'm not sure what you mean about nailing people to the wall and whatnot. Surely you must realize that with more than 800 Blogcritics, there will be people who care about you, people who don't, and plenty of people who might disagree with you but still not want anything bad to happen to you. Me, I've never voiced an opinion on you one way or another -- I don't think -- but I was still distressed at the idea of suicide.

Here's where I'm coming from: I have a site to protect. Some people who contribute love the site and want to see it succeed. We've had some people who want to tear it down. I don't have much patience for people who want to tear the site down, and I'm trying to figure out which group you're in.

Posting private emails to a public weblog and mocking people who were honestly concerned for your safety seems to evidence that you don't care much for the site. If that's the case, I wish you well in your personal weblog and all future endeavors, but you should leave the site and the Yahoo group and not return.

On the other hand, perhaps you just need a vacation. In which case I'm happy to have you rest, relax, and feel better, and then continue writing for blogcritics.org. If that's the case, I do think that an apology to the Yahoo group is appropriate and necessary, and the editors will work with you to ensure that future posts to Blogcritics are free of derision and scorn for the site and fellow authors. It would also be nice to see personal and private emails disappear from your blog.

And me again

They don't have a huge staff, they have volunteers, and they're part of the reason I was nailing someone to the wall.  Yes amazingly it had nothing to do with your site.

Don't patronize me: I don't know these 800 people and they don't know me, there's no caring involved.  Why did I post those private email groups? Because of the sheer hypocrisy.  Just one day prior you were all ready to burn me at the stake and then suddenly the heartstrings are plucked because I may end my life? Was it heartstrings or guilt?

You know why I finally started my own site?  So no bastard could censor me or tell me what to do.

And the final Head Honcho reply

That's fine, I completely understand. Unfortunately, your response means that you aren't welcome any longer at Blogcritics.org.

I won't waste any more of your time correcting your several misapprehensions.

And just like that I'm once again erased from existence.

Well it looks as though I’m gonna have to change my phone number and get a P.O. Box, although personally I am proud of myself for havin the cops come to my house twice in the past six months.  *thumbsup*

And I’m not even R. Kelly banging someone else’s wife.

This is fun; you’re gonna love it.

You know if I had a laptop and wireless modem I’d never leave my bed.  As it is, I’m stuck with a cellphone that has shitty internet service.  It never fails; I write a message out then the connections hangs.  The only way to save my draft is to find a place with no signal.  I’ve got it; the linen closet!  

So I wander into our recently cleaned out and now spacious linen closet; by this time I’ve completely forgotten about the signal and think it’s really nifty that I can fit in the linen closet.  How do you solidify this proof?  By closing the door of course.  It’s only after I realize there’s no door handle on the inside.  But hey I was right, there’s absolutely no signal there.

So now I’m trapped inna linen closet with a cell, but no signal, and I’m not even sure if anyone is home.  

Ya know, it just seemed like a really spiffy idea at the time.

Here’s a very touching post from a concerned citizen:

My absolute favorite is when insincere folks who’ve called me everything in the book but a white woman call the police.  Is it out of guilt perhaps?  NOoone wants blood on their hands. 

*gasp* I have a quote:

“We see that message on your blog and someone brought it to our attention.

We here at BC are trying to find you” 

I would have added his phone number but that would’ve made me a stellar asshole.

That is so sweet when people I don’t even know or give a shit about me pretend to be racked with guilt and worry over my condition.  Fortunately they can rest easily tonight as no blood is traceable to their hands.

My favorite part? Some guy who called and I pretend to be Mom, “I told him that I was a very unstable child, always making mischief, no morals or ethics and the medication stopped working a long time ago.  Frankly I’m embarrassed to call her my daughter.”   I also asked him if he’d read her profile, knew anything about her and enjoyed her writing; he said no.  OH, and if he was looking to be a hero.  (All the while my Dad and our house guest were rolling on the floor laughing). Then when the police came my Dad went outside with me, said every thing was fine and in fact I was watching my favorite movie Hero.  I pointed out that the net was a scary place cuz someone could find your phone number and address.  Even the policeman was a lil perplexed, and then I pointed out there’ a lot of stalkers out there, and how that’s scary they could so easily find you.

And so a note: If you're hoping to become a hero and have a ticker tape parade thrown in yer honor, try your inept superhero tactics on someone else.  If you're into calling other people's surgeons or calling up the local justice system just to chat, then this site is also not for you.  If the first words out of your mouth after reading about me or viewing my comments are, "I don't get her.  Oh she's just mean.  She’s a drama queen.  I’m disappointed in her.  Most would step over you and keep going.  I'm not down with negativity.  God I wish I had just one ounce of her talent."  Then once again this site is not for you.  Go back to your painfully predictable romance novels and leave me be.  

I’m not one for groups.  I don’t want to be your friend and I don’t see much of an effort on your part to attempt the same.

Oh sonuvabitch, I forgot the best part, this wasn’t even about Blogcritics; I finally looked up a picture of Adam Goldberg and have yet to stop laughing.

So Russ comes in yesterday and announces, “Pop quiz time!”

Oh God no, pass.

RUSS: How many Supreme Court Justices are there?

ME: Oh crap it’s either nine or twelve.

RUSS: Ya have to pick one.

ME: Nine sounds right.

RUSS: Can you name any?

ME: Oh pffft!  Well there’s Sandra Day O’Connor, but I think she’s retiring.  And that guy who was in trouble all those years ago… Clarence Thomas, but he wasn’t the first black supreme justice.

RUSS: Well you’re smarter than any other person they asked.

ME: Huh?

Turns out he was listening to some radio show and they were asking college kids all the way up to folks in their mid 30’s the same question, and apparently everyone just sucked ass.  Russ said absolutely noone got the number of justices right.

Ha, and these jerks are supposedly equipped with an education and a degree or two.  My high school education was a joke, I’ve never attended college AND I don’t even watch the news.

Nyah, nyah!  I’m smarter than you!  I’m smarter than you!  

Yeah that's right, I'm still prostrate with grief over a goddamn cat.  Ya wanna know why?  Because that cat towered over any other bloody useless human being I've ever met.

Allie couldn't go five minutes without me, nor I from him; that's a hard thing to lose.

You want to know the irony behind Amy Williams (aka The Talking Scale) and why she seems to loathe me to no end?  Lurking around this site at all hours of the night and tattling on me to the big wigs of ObesityHelp?

A year ago before I really knew her, I stood up for the useless bitch. Her debut on MTV's True Life was smeared by a nasty lil columnist from the New York Post.  It was full of blatant puns, lies and well incredibly unjust.

So I wrote a letter to the author, editor and New York Post. Yes other dowdy middle age housewives wrote their lil letters as well, but I believe you and I both know mine had the most impact.

Btw, I had emailed Amy Williams that day to give me a couple specifics about her condition; she never replied.  hahahahaha!  I'm such an idiot.

Epilogue:

Well the truth is I’m a failure.  When I sat there listening to Dr. Felix at the seminar and he said a percentage of folks sitting in here tonight will fail, I knew I would be one of ‘em.  I know it’s noone’s fault but my own, however I do believe that in the first six months this surgery failed me.  Thanks to the innumerable strictures and ulcers I basically starved to death those first six months; anything I could eat I would eventually throw up.  And it doesn’t quite seem fair that Mother being only 2 ½ months out, breaks nearly every rule, never exercises and yet has lost over 60 pounds.

But… that’s how it goes.

The idea was that this surgery worked for you those first six months.  Christ, no matter what ya do ya really can’t eat much of  anything so logically the weight would come of.  Logically.  I’ve studied every other case I could possibly get my hands on and came to the conclusion that my only losing 14 pounds in my first month was absurd.  Just considering my mass alone and lack of caloric intake, logically I should have lost more.  Logically the average loss is double for my weight and stature at the time.  So what a pisser to be so completely illogical.

By now it’s far too late for me.  Yes we could go have a string of tests run so perhaps I could have card carrying proof of why I’m a fat bitch, but honestly I just don’t care to or just don’t care period.

It ain't purty.

Ha!  I made a funny!

What?  Ya don’t approve of my new pretend hunk?  Would ya prefer I went back to previous pretend boyfriend Henry Rollins?  Well I can’t; I already flushed his pretend love child and it took a really long time with the help of a plunger because I was at least 6 months along.

Besides, I need to move back to my own age group.  Sure they don’t have substantial 401K’s, but at least most of ‘em still have all their own teeth. 

While the rest of the world is busy fretting over the London bombings or scrutinizing the G8 summit; a gaggle of sheep, who obviously have been watching too much CNN, threw themselves off a cliff thanks to good ol’ fashioned mass hysteria.  

From the Associated Press:

ISTANBUL, Turkey - First one sheep jumped to its death. Then stunned Turkish shepherds, who had left the herd to graze while they had breakfast, watched as nearly 1,500 others followed, each leaping off the same cliff, Turkish media reported.

In the end, 450 dead animals lay on top of one another in a billowy white pile, the Aksam newspaper said. Those who jumped later were saved as the pile got higher and the fall more cushioned, Aksam reported.

"There's nothing we can do. They're all wasted," Nevzat Bayhan, a member of one of 26 families whose sheep were grazing together in the herd, was quoted as saying by Aksam.

The estimated loss to families in the town of Gevas, located in Van province in eastern Turkey, tops $100,000, a significant amount of money in a country where average GDP per head is around $2,700.

"Every family had an average of 20 sheep," Aksam quoted another villager, Abdullah Hazar as saying. "But now only a few families have sheep left. It's going to be hard for us."

SHEEP 1: Would you jump off a cliff just because Habib over there did?

SHEEP 2: Habib jumped off a cliff?  I am so there!

SHEEP 1: Hey wait for me!

Sheep, so easily led.  

I think the question on everyone's mind is: Is Prince William ok?

I'm such a jerk.  I think someone was just trying to off Bob Geldof, and frankly I approve of it.

	It's high time for a new pretend boyfriend, and what better specimen could there be than that of Jonathan Rhys-Meyer? My God just look at him. Is that not the epitome of gorgeous? *tear* He's like the Indie answer to Orlando Bloom. Please don't sell out. Please? Please? Please? I keep the faith that he won't pull a Zach Braff.
Admire the loveliness that is he.

 

This means that everyone in my path is at risk; especially that bitch in the mirror.

Live 8: The day the world spoke as one.  The vision?  Every jerk across the land to don a bracelet that says, “One”.  Which I guess has something to do with starvation or the movie Highlander.

My God, I’ve never vomited so much in one weekend in my life.  

So all the nice celebrities with their spiffy new gift bags, and soon to be rolling in shitloads of revenue from another commercialized Woodstock wannabe, all got together and sang to us about how people in the world are starving.  Also that’ll be $14 for one bottle of water.  After all, all this mass publicity is just for “awareness”.  Someone forgot to inform all these diamond encrusted celebrities that at least once in everybody’s lifetime their Mother did say the following ominous words, “You clean your plate!  You know there are starving people in some other country who would love to have your creamed asparagus!”

Wouldn’t it be funny if Bono’s name was Mono?

Some empathetic celebrities were kind enough to explain to us peons that 9/11 was nothing compared to how many perish in Africa daily.  Of course then they went off to party, drink Cristal and spray vomit on the walls of the Ritz Carlton.

Oh but who am I to talk?  My clothes are even vomit stained at the moment.

Brad Pitt says, “Africa,” and suddenly the world jumps off their couch and asks, “There’s a seventh continent?  Well I’ll be dipped.”

Missionaries tend to make me itch; the very idea of someone traipsing around an unknown culture and announcing to the natives, “By the way, everything you’ve ever known or been taught about your God and beliefs is right out, but don’t despair we’re here to set you straight.”  I’ve known some missionaries abroad; some the following illustration describes them to a tee, but others are different.  

Long, long ago we had a friend who gave to one of the many organizations who supposedly helped the unbelievably poor in Haiti.  There are your third world countries then there’s Haiti who’s invented the fourth world country; if you want a country of repression, death, starvation and corruption beyond all belief then I suggest Haiti for a lovely holiday.  This friend went down to visit the organization and what a surprise, there was shit and some asshole was pocketing the money for himself.  So what did he do?  He tried to help the people himself; mind you all the witch doctors in Haiti make this job extra fun, and the government completely impossible.  It took a few years, but he managed to make some progress, although unfortunately losing his family back in Kansas in the process.  Unfortunately in the end (since he wasn’t on tv begging for money) the never ending hardships took its toll; last I heard he’d become an alcoholic and I’m not sure if he ever made it back to the states.  Gosh, if only U2 had played a concert for him, but celebrities fill their drawers at the mere mention of Haiti – they’d prefer to help a “nicer” country.

It turns out that Africa is one big ass continent and South Africa is only one small country of many and certainly in less dire straits than its neighbors.  However, it does have its share of diamond mines and I suppose that’s a popular draw.

My Father’s been to Africa and he could certainly tell me more than Diane Sawyer, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie any day.  People are poor in Africa because they cannot obtain employment.  Why don’t they get a job?  Turns out they’d love to, but they need the skills and education.  Why not go to school?  Turns out you need money to go to school.  Rather large bitchslapping Catch-22.  

So while Brad Pitt, Oprah and Mono wax on endlessly about those gosh darn poor starving folks in Africa and how we need to know about it; a tiny church in California is, and has been for quite some time, doing something as opposed to wearing a bracelet or buying the new Coldplay cd.  

Yes, it is a religious organization but their humanitarian work is strictly secular.  With no media or outside help they’ve managed to build adult education centers, orphanages and supply medical treatment in countries such as Uganda, Nigeria and Rwanda.  Yeah that’s right; they’ve entered Rwanda without blinking.  They’ve also hiked far out into the bush and mountains where noone else bothers to travel.  If I’m correct I believe they’re gearing up for The Congo next.  

Because of these services and especially the education centers men and women have been able to acquire a trade and not only support their own families, but the extended as well. No one is turned away; Muslims have participated in the same schools.  Christianity is not forced down anyone’s throat.  The Pastors talk frankly to the young women about sex (they don’t bother bullshitting them with the abstinence crap, there’s an AIDS epidemic reeking havoc and we all know why), they drive the importance of condoms at all costs.

Ever try to get grant funding for a religious organization?  It’s next to nearly impossible.  Maybe if I change my name to Brad Pitt.

Just like the tsunami victims!  And they'll move on and organize another concert to save Tom Cruise, because let's face it; Tom Cruise is no Johnny Depp.

9/11 was nothing compared to Tom Cruise.