This is a day for celebration: I’m the first person ever to be kicked off of Blogcritics.  Mom and my therapist are very proud.  

But why was I kicked off?  Simply because folks were beat red with embarrassment. First of all, you and I both know the suicide thing had nothing to do with Blogcritics, but as a writer I understand how one might assume it’s always about them.

You kids wanna see some letters?

Here is a letter from the head honcho himself:

From:    "Phillip Winn" <pwinnski@gmail.com>  
To:    "Brooke" <dinglberry@yahoo.com>
Subject: Blogcritics.org
CC:    "Eric Olsen" <Ecolsen2003@cs.com>, "Temple Stark" <writer@templestark.com>

Given recent events, there is some question about whether you want to remain part of Blogcritics.org.

We'll be happy to have you keep posting, and I certainly appreciate your contributions to the site. At the same time, we're never much thrilled with seeing private email groups posted publicly and such.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you right now, and also whether you want to remain part of Blogcritics.org.

Thanks.

From yours truly:

Hey Phil, I actually could use a nice vacation.

Ya know, you never answered my question about the cost of running a site of this caliber.  I know another similar site that brings in at 1.5 million a year and asks for donations on the side.  Kind of the same set up; messageboards, posts, nearly identical traffic.  All I wanna know is: does it take that much money to maintain a site?

If you people woulda kept your nose outta my business I coulda nailed someone to the wall.  For Christsakes you're writers!  Bleeding hearts do not come with  the package.  And why ever would you give a shit about my welfare when just two days prior you were cursing my existence?

Head Honcho:

Sorry, I don't remember you asking. We're fortunate that all of the folks involved are volunteers, including me, so our only costs are for the hosting. At this point we're barely bringing in enough to cover hosting costs, so $1.5 million is way, way, way out of range. I hope that changes. The two biggest costs I can think of would be the hosting costs (and we've got a great deal there, but they can be high), and any paid staff (we have none, but we'd like to, given the hours we put in). For $1.5 million, they better have a lot of staff!

I'm not sure what you mean about nailing people to the wall and whatnot. Surely you must realize that with more than 800 Blogcritics, there will be people who care about you, people who don't, and plenty of people who might disagree with you but still not want anything bad to happen to you. Me, I've never voiced an opinion on you one way or another -- I don't think -- but I was still distressed at the idea of suicide.

Here's where I'm coming from: I have a site to protect. Some people who contribute love the site and want to see it succeed. We've had some people who want to tear it down. I don't have much patience for people who want to tear the site down, and I'm trying to figure out which group you're in.

Posting private emails to a public weblog and mocking people who were honestly concerned for your safety seems to evidence that you don't care much for the site. If that's the case, I wish you well in your personal weblog and all future endeavors, but you should leave the site and the Yahoo group and not return.

On the other hand, perhaps you just need a vacation. In which case I'm happy to have you rest, relax, and feel better, and then continue writing for blogcritics.org. If that's the case, I do think that an apology to the Yahoo group is appropriate and necessary, and the editors will work with you to ensure that future posts to Blogcritics are free of derision and scorn for the site and fellow authors. It would also be nice to see personal and private emails disappear from your blog.

And me again

They don't have a huge staff, they have volunteers, and they're part of the reason I was nailing someone to the wall.  Yes amazingly it had nothing to do with your site.

Don't patronize me: I don't know these 800 people and they don't know me, there's no caring involved.  Why did I post those private email groups? Because of the sheer hypocrisy.  Just one day prior you were all ready to burn me at the stake and then suddenly the heartstrings are plucked because I may end my life? Was it heartstrings or guilt?

You know why I finally started my own site?  So no bastard could censor me or tell me what to do.

And the final Head Honcho reply

That's fine, I completely understand. Unfortunately, your response means that you aren't welcome any longer at Blogcritics.org.

I won't waste any more of your time correcting your several misapprehensions.

And just like that I'm once again erased from existence.

Well it looks as though I’m gonna have to change my phone number and get a P.O. Box, although personally I am proud of myself for havin the cops come to my house twice in the past six months.  *thumbsup*

And I’m not even R. Kelly banging someone else’s wife.

This is fun; you’re gonna love it.

You know if I had a laptop and wireless modem I’d never leave my bed.  As it is, I’m stuck with a cellphone that has shitty internet service.  It never fails; I write a message out then the connections hangs.  The only way to save my draft is to find a place with no signal.  I’ve got it; the linen closet!  

So I wander into our recently cleaned out and now spacious linen closet; by this time I’ve completely forgotten about the signal and think it’s really nifty that I can fit in the linen closet.  How do you solidify this proof?  By closing the door of course.  It’s only after I realize there’s no door handle on the inside.  But hey I was right, there’s absolutely no signal there.

So now I’m trapped inna linen closet with a cell, but no signal, and I’m not even sure if anyone is home.  

Ya know, it just seemed like a really spiffy idea at the time.

Here’s a very touching post from a concerned citizen:

My absolute favorite is when insincere folks who’ve called me everything in the book but a white woman call the police.  Is it out of guilt perhaps?  NOoone wants blood on their hands. 

*gasp* I have a quote:

“We see that message on your blog and someone brought it to our attention.

We here at BC are trying to find you” 

I would have added his phone number but that would’ve made me a stellar asshole.

That is so sweet when people I don’t even know or give a shit about me pretend to be racked with guilt and worry over my condition.  Fortunately they can rest easily tonight as no blood is traceable to their hands.

My favorite part? Some guy who called and I pretend to be Mom, “I told him that I was a very unstable child, always making mischief, no morals or ethics and the medication stopped working a long time ago.  Frankly I’m embarrassed to call her my daughter.”   I also asked him if he’d read her profile, knew anything about her and enjoyed her writing; he said no.  OH, and if he was looking to be a hero.  (All the while my Dad and our house guest were rolling on the floor laughing). Then when the police came my Dad went outside with me, said every thing was fine and in fact I was watching my favorite movie Hero.  I pointed out that the net was a scary place cuz someone could find your phone number and address.  Even the policeman was a lil perplexed, and then I pointed out there’ a lot of stalkers out there, and how that’s scary they could so easily find you.

And so a note: If you're hoping to become a hero and have a ticker tape parade thrown in yer honor, try your inept superhero tactics on someone else.  If you're into calling other people's surgeons or calling up the local justice system just to chat, then this site is also not for you.  If the first words out of your mouth after reading about me or viewing my comments are, "I don't get her.  Oh she's just mean.  She’s a drama queen.  I’m disappointed in her.  Most would step over you and keep going.  I'm not down with negativity.  God I wish I had just one ounce of her talent."  Then once again this site is not for you.  Go back to your painfully predictable romance novels and leave me be.  

I’m not one for groups.  I don’t want to be your friend and I don’t see much of an effort on your part to attempt the same.

Oh sonuvabitch, I forgot the best part, this wasn’t even about Blogcritics; I finally looked up a picture of Adam Goldberg and have yet to stop laughing.