Live 8: The day the world spoke as one.  The vision?  Every jerk across the land to don a bracelet that says, “One”.  Which I guess has something to do with starvation or the movie Highlander.

My God, I’ve never vomited so much in one weekend in my life.  

So all the nice celebrities with their spiffy new gift bags, and soon to be rolling in shitloads of revenue from another commercialized Woodstock wannabe, all got together and sang to us about how people in the world are starving.  Also that’ll be $14 for one bottle of water.  After all, all this mass publicity is just for “awareness”.  Someone forgot to inform all these diamond encrusted celebrities that at least once in everybody’s lifetime their Mother did say the following ominous words, “You clean your plate!  You know there are starving people in some other country who would love to have your creamed asparagus!”

Wouldn’t it be funny if Bono’s name was Mono?

Some empathetic celebrities were kind enough to explain to us peons that 9/11 was nothing compared to how many perish in Africa daily.  Of course then they went off to party, drink Cristal and spray vomit on the walls of the Ritz Carlton.

Oh but who am I to talk?  My clothes are even vomit stained at the moment.

Brad Pitt says, “Africa,” and suddenly the world jumps off their couch and asks, “There’s a seventh continent?  Well I’ll be dipped.”

Missionaries tend to make me itch; the very idea of someone traipsing around an unknown culture and announcing to the natives, “By the way, everything you’ve ever known or been taught about your God and beliefs is right out, but don’t despair we’re here to set you straight.”  I’ve known some missionaries abroad; some the following illustration describes them to a tee, but others are different.  

Long, long ago we had a friend who gave to one of the many organizations who supposedly helped the unbelievably poor in Haiti.  There are your third world countries then there’s Haiti who’s invented the fourth world country; if you want a country of repression, death, starvation and corruption beyond all belief then I suggest Haiti for a lovely holiday.  This friend went down to visit the organization and what a surprise, there was shit and some asshole was pocketing the money for himself.  So what did he do?  He tried to help the people himself; mind you all the witch doctors in Haiti make this job extra fun, and the government completely impossible.  It took a few years, but he managed to make some progress, although unfortunately losing his family back in Kansas in the process.  Unfortunately in the end (since he wasn’t on tv begging for money) the never ending hardships took its toll; last I heard he’d become an alcoholic and I’m not sure if he ever made it back to the states.  Gosh, if only U2 had played a concert for him, but celebrities fill their drawers at the mere mention of Haiti – they’d prefer to help a “nicer” country.

It turns out that Africa is one big ass continent and South Africa is only one small country of many and certainly in less dire straits than its neighbors.  However, it does have its share of diamond mines and I suppose that’s a popular draw.

My Father’s been to Africa and he could certainly tell me more than Diane Sawyer, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie any day.  People are poor in Africa because they cannot obtain employment.  Why don’t they get a job?  Turns out they’d love to, but they need the skills and education.  Why not go to school?  Turns out you need money to go to school.  Rather large bitchslapping Catch-22.  

So while Brad Pitt, Oprah and Mono wax on endlessly about those gosh darn poor starving folks in Africa and how we need to know about it; a tiny church in California is, and has been for quite some time, doing something as opposed to wearing a bracelet or buying the new Coldplay cd.  

Yes, it is a religious organization but their humanitarian work is strictly secular.  With no media or outside help they’ve managed to build adult education centers, orphanages and supply medical treatment in countries such as Uganda, Nigeria and Rwanda.  Yeah that’s right; they’ve entered Rwanda without blinking.  They’ve also hiked far out into the bush and mountains where noone else bothers to travel.  If I’m correct I believe they’re gearing up for The Congo next.  

Because of these services and especially the education centers men and women have been able to acquire a trade and not only support their own families, but the extended as well. No one is turned away; Muslims have participated in the same schools.  Christianity is not forced down anyone’s throat.  The Pastors talk frankly to the young women about sex (they don’t bother bullshitting them with the abstinence crap, there’s an AIDS epidemic reeking havoc and we all know why), they drive the importance of condoms at all costs.

Ever try to get grant funding for a religious organization?  It’s next to nearly impossible.  Maybe if I change my name to Brad Pitt.

Just like the tsunami victims!  And they'll move on and organize another concert to save Tom Cruise, because let's face it; Tom Cruise is no Johnny Depp.

9/11 was nothing compared to Tom Cruise.