I know, I know; I just can’t shut up about this, but it’s so upsetting it’s alluring.  

Ya ever been to the site?  It’s fun.  Upsetting, but fun.  They even have an entire page dedicated to safety standards.  Well half a page; actually it’s just a couple paragraphs.  Wanna see?

Safety is the first consideration in any sport, and the IFOCE insists that all sanctioned competitive eating matches take place in a controlled environment with the proper safety measures in place.

The IFOCE will not sanction or promote any events that do not adhere to the highest safety regulations. The IFOCE believes that speed eating is only suitable for those 18 years of age or older and only in a controlled environment with appropriate rules and with an emergency medical technician present.

The IFOCE is against at-home training of any kind. The IFOCE strongly discourages younger individuals from eating for speed or quantity under any circumstances. The IFOCE urges all interested parties to become involved in sanctioned events -- do not try speed eating at home.

Ya know if they’d written out their entire name as opposed to initials, they might have actually filled the page.

But let’s face it; gluttony’s been around since the dawn of time.  It’s fun damnit!  For instance take the ancient Greeks:  To honor their God of wine and what not, they partied down and had one helluva food orgy.  Outside there was a long wooden trough filled with running water; folks would come out, barf their guts up and then go back inside for more partying.

See?  Bulimia used to be fun.    

Dude, Saudi Arabia was just here.  I was scared for a moment, but then I recall announcing that I was gonna join up with Al-Qaeda about a week ago.  Especially after watching those competitive food eating contests I found myself saying, “I suddenly have the urge to blow people up too.”

I come from a long line of Goddamn hobbits.  Standing at nearly 5’2”, I’m the tallest of them all, and that’s purty sad.  Besides your obvious inconveniences like never being able to reach a damn thing, EVEN if you’re standing onna ladder; you gain weight so incredibly easy.  

Amazingly, underneath this mass of fat, I have small bones.  Seriously, I have the tiniest feet and hands; people just go on and on about them.  

Take a 6’2” individual: This person could easily eat between 2000 and 2500 calories a day and never gain an ounce.  While midgets like me must stay between 1000 and 1200 calories to keep from gaining.  

Now reaching upwards of 430 pounds was certainly a feat for me, but…  Let’s go back to that 6’2” individual: How much do you believe they had to consume onna daily basis to reach 615 pounds?  They literally would have had to eaten one gingerbread house per day; that’s a Hansel and Gretel life size gingerbread house.  Of course back in my day I knew how to inhale great quantities of food, but I’m purty sure I never reached THAT level of gluttony.

To maintain 430 pounds with my frame and height I needed a daily calorie intake of 2500.  For the 6’2” individual to maintain they’re strapping 615 pounds, they needed a daily calorie intake of 4500.

Must be nice to be tall.