Do me a favor and sign this petition urging Oprah to do a show about the importance of spaying and neutering your pet.
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/328724678
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Tuesday, February 28
February is Prevent-A-Litter month
by
immafooker
on Tue 28 Feb 2006 02:59 AM PST
Monday, February 27
Amy Williams is stalking my site
by
immafooker
on Mon 27 Feb 2006 03:41 AM PST
Amy, I just want you to know that all of us at Imma Fooker are here for
you. It’s ok to admit you have a problem. Nobody will
laugh; much. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and Adult
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of. There have been
extraordinary medical breakthroughs concerning mental health.
Only in extreme cases are doctors forced to perform electroshock
therapy or total frontal lobotomies. And Hooked on Phonics has
helped thousands of young children and adults alike.
If you just take the time and push yourself away from the hypnotizing glow of your monitor, I’m sure you’ll find the help you need. Good luck. user-24-236-101-119.knology.net (Knology Holdings Inc) Georgia, Martinez, United States
Sunday, February 26
She is just having way too much fun at this point
by
immafooker
on Sun 26 Feb 2006 06:04 AM PST
Hussy Mother in my red velvet dress
by
immafooker
on Sun 26 Feb 2006 06:02 AM PST
Tuesday, February 21
Rewind
by
immafooker
on Tue 21 Feb 2006 03:09 AM PST
‘Member the elated feeling I experienced after my tiara wearing
doctor’s appointment? Yeah I’d like to get back to that
now. Oh right, I was denied. Yeah yeah, we’re going to
appeal; blah blah blah.
Doctor told me the other day (in reference to my back) that I’ll have to learn to live with pain. I just blinked several times. While I totally respect my physician and vice versa, well… I just kept on blinking and staring. First of all having never dealt with chronic back problems this came as a bit of a shock. Second, it turns out my own theory of popping my back into place turns out to have been my demise. Mother had her legs sawed in half; there a people with rods in their spine and very large screws placed strategically within their bone structure. How can lower back pain possibly be this debilitating? I used think I was cold-hearted, kick ass strong. I suffered through months of gall bladder attacks at 17 until they finally figured out the source. Then I got to experience gall bladder surgery and let me tell ya: Laparoscopic surgery wasn’t so easy-breezy eleven years ago while being performed in the Midwest. I did have six smaller incisions, however one on my lower abdomen wound up being about five inches long. That same day, a few hours later, I went to the bathroom and wiped my ass all by myself. The next morning I dressed myself, including bending over and pulling up my pants. I couldn’t sleep on my stomach for an entire month after that surgery. Then there was the bounding out of bed just after the bypass surgery; numerous endoscopies while wide awake. So is this real honest to God pain, or am I just totally wussing out? Vicodin’s addictive, that’s nothing new. But non-narcotic painkillers may as well be Tic-Tacs as far as I’m concerned. If anything they’ve made my condition worse: I may never shit again and all the oatmeal and Flaxmeal in the world can’t save me now. Ultram’s only managed to make my head pound. And even though I’m taking two Protonix a day now, someone is managing to make me nauseous. So big whoop? What’s wrong with being addicted to Vicodin if it keeps me functional, happy and pain free? Monday, February 20
The Blister Olympics
by
immafooker
on Mon 20 Feb 2006 02:50 PM PST
The fun never stops in the gay mad world of the Winter Olympics.
After cross-country skiing we bring you: Free style cross-country
skiing. To be followed by skeleton; which by the way has nothing
to do with or involves actual skeletons in any way. Later on
tonight we'll be showcasing more jerks on skis.
Although I kinda liked the snowboarding as there was the promise of someone wiping out and getting injured; possibly crying.
7 pills later
by
immafooker
on Mon 20 Feb 2006 02:44 PM PST
Oh that's so much better.
Did you know before this surgery I only had two prescriptions? And now I have about nine? I'm gonna have to start taking a printout with me to every medical facility as the space given in forms are never long enough, and you'll have to excuse me if I haven't learned the correct spelling of the most recent two.
Must... eliminate... blinding... pain...
by
immafooker
on Mon 20 Feb 2006 01:33 PM PST
Give me about thirty minutes.
Monday, February 13
Let's take the Anger Self-Assessment Test
by
immafooker
on Mon 13 Feb 2006 01:31 AM PST
See if we’re all rageaholics. Here we go:
1. I've had trouble on the job because of my temper. I don’t have a job; I’m not down with authority. 2. People say that I fly off the handle easily. They wouldn’t dare, they’d know I’d punch ‘em. 3. I don't always show my anger, but when I do, look out. You’re so screwed. 4. I still get angry when I think of the bad things people did to me in the past. Always. God I hope they all die. 5. I hate lines, and I especially hate waiting in line. Are there are people who enjoy waiting in line? Do they lay awake at night in anticipation of waiting in line? 6. I often find myself engaged in heated arguments with the people who are close to me. Rarely, that’s the whole idea of being close to folks. 7. At times I've felt angry enough to kill. Yes, but then logic always steps in very quickly and reminds me that torture would be much more fun. 8. When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don't usually say anything at the time, but later I spend a lot of time thinking of cutting replies I could and should have made. No, I’m purty quick about my comebacks. However I do enjoy continually harassing a person till the inevitable restraining order arrives. 9. I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong. Of course, why should they deserve forgiveness? Who’s wearing the tiara here? 10. I get angry with myself when I lose control of my emotions. Nope, passion’s good. 11. I get aggravated when people don't behave the way they should. Well, when they don’t behave the way I think they should anyways. 12. If I get really upset about something, I have a tendency to feel sick later (frequently experiencing weak spells, headaches, upset stomach or diarrhea). Noooo. Isn’t that for wussies? 13. When things don't go my way, I "lose it." That’s why it’s a good idea for things to go my way. 14. I am apt to take frustration so badly that I cannot put it out of my mind. Nah, I’m not that focused. 15. I've been so angry at times I couldn't remember what I said or did. I don’t remember what I’ve said during happy and fun times. People always have to remind me of the great things I said; thank god someone remembers. 16. Sometimes I feel so hurt and alone that I've thought about killing myself. This is starting to remind me of those, “Am I depressed?” tests where every person on the planet will answer yes to at least five questions. 17. After arguing with someone, I despise myself. Well wouldn’t that mean the person feels guilty and therefore doesn’t really enjoy being a rageaholic? 18. When riled, I often blurt out things I later regret saying. See answer above. I personally am always quite proud of myself. 19. Some people are afraid of my bad temper. The smart ones learn quickly. 20. When I get angry, frustrated or hurt, I comfort myself by eating or using alcohol or other drugs. Yeah that’s totally uncommon. 21. When someone hurts me, I want to get even. Even is no fun; one upping someone is a true accomplishment. 22. I've gotten so angry at times that I've become physically violent, hitting other people or breaking things. Nah we have really nice stuff so all I ever toss are light fluffy objects or throw pillows. 23. I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about the things that upset me during the day. Like not getting that chocolate dipped cone I wanted. Bastards! 24. People I've trusted have often let me down, leaving me feeling angry or betrayed. Oh no no, I only expect mediocrity from people nowadays; that way I’m never disappointed. 25. I'm an angry person. My temper has already caused lots of problems, and I need help changing it. Did I just sign a confession? Scoring the Anger Self-Assessment Test: If you answered true to 10 or more of these questions, you are prone to anger problems and may choose to call yourself a rageaholic and join our fellowship. If you answered true to 5 questions, you are about average in your angry feelings, but learning some anger management techniques can make you happier. Uh oh you guys, I think we’re gonna have to start attending Rageaholics Anonymous meetings. Just an FYI, cake doughnuts really piss me off, bring glazed instead.
It's true I'm a rageaholic. I just can't live without rageahol -- Homer Simpson
by
immafooker
on Mon 13 Feb 2006 01:27 AM PST
The writers of The Simpsons were kidding; the producers of tonight’s
broadcast of Intervention on A&E weren’t. (Remember the good
ol’ days when A&E stood for Arts and Entertainment?) Oh yes,
rageaholism is a true disease where folks are just damn ass pissy all
the time. There’s even a Rageaholics Anonymous.
I’ll pause for a bit while you’re rollin around the floor laughing. I know, I thought it was a hoot too. We are thisclose to becoming a no fault society. DEFENDANT: *sniff* It’s not my fault I stabbed the cat, threw my wife through a plate glass window, blew up the mail lady’s truck, took an axe to all our major appliances and beat the neighbor’s lawn gnome up. I have a disease… I’m a rageaholic! It’s all in this pamphlet. JUDGE: No, you’re just an asshole. Sunday, February 12
Pete Loiselle lost 500 pounds
by
immafooker
on Sun 12 Feb 2006 01:54 PM PST
And I’m not impressed.
“Oh but he did it all on his own without surgery.” So? He’s also 6’6” which means he can eat at least 3000 calories a day and never gain an ounce. To maintain his original 757 pound frame he would have had to eaten at least 7000 calories a day, and that’s only if he stayed inna prone position for 24 hours. So basically he had to consume the caloric equivalent of one gingerbread house daily (that’s your life size, Hansel and Gretel type). All he had to do was cutdown to one load bearing wall a day. It’s easy to lose weight when you’re tall, but when you’re short? You’re so incredibly screwed. Ever seen a svelte dwarf? Let’s take our good friend Jared Fogle from Subway. “Wow! He went from 425 pounds to 190 on his own without surgery and has kept it off.” Technically that’s not entirely true. Jared keeps his weight off thanks to a nutritionist and personal trainer provided by Subway; gotta keep the cash cow svelte (kind of an oxymoron isn’t it?) Jared obviously gets paid to do these commercials and travel the country to give speeches about his spectacular weight loss. However in these speeches he doesn’t suggest a healthy diet and exercise; he tells people to eat two Subway sandwiches a day like he did. Pssst! Come here: That’s actually a gimmick also. Losing weight without surgery is not necessarily gimmick free. Eating two sandwiches from Subway a day is a gimmick; eating prepared meals from Jenny Craig is a gimmick; going on the Atkins diet is a gimmick; drinking Medifast is a gimmick; the cabbage soup diet is a gimmick; anything that contains the word diet is a gimmick. So get over yourselves and why not have the damn gastric bypass surgery? I’ve never been a spokesperson for the surgery and I never will be; it’s your own damn choice to lose weight. Just like smoking. As long as you’re not blowing it in my face or sitting your ample frame on my lap, I don’t care. But if you’ve thoroughly researched the surgery and had obesity issues all your life then why not take the easy way out? For most people who don’t have complications it is bloody easy, and last time I checked the easy way out of any situation usually kicks ass. Take two people who are holding guns pointed towards the other. Now we can be a man and try and shoot at one another; possibly dying, injuring the other and going to jail for a long time or we could say, “Let’s just call it even.” You need to get from point A to point B. There’s this kick ass new freeway they built that totally bypasses all the congestive city traffic, and then there’s the old route that takes you through at least fifteen traffic lights. Which would you choose? Bill Gates took the easy way out; he just stole someone else’s idea. He seems to be doing rather well for himself. Oh and when you start taking money to be a spokesperson for weight loss surgery or some gimmicky diet, then you’re no better than the bastards who prey on the obese; using people’s pain, shame and suffering solely for financial gain. Friday, February 10
Teehehehehehe
by
immafooker
on Fri 10 Feb 2006 10:28 PM PST
Guess what? If I'm going down, I'm taking as many bastards as I can with me.
Oh and do me a favor: When I'm dead and a bunch of lying hypocritical bastards start spouting a bunch of bullshit prose on how they'll miss me; please, call them out on it, "In rememberance of Brooke, I hope you get genital warts on your lips."
I don't wanna fucking talk about it
by
immafooker
on Fri 10 Feb 2006 10:22 PM PST
Insurance has denied my request for a revision. Funny enough they
stated in their letter that they felt the Biliopancreatic Diversion
with Duodenal Switch would be much safer than a one hour operation
bypassing more intestines.
Actually this letter came two days ago and I was the last one to find out. This would explain why Mother was cranky and strung out on Ativan last night.
That's it, I'm no longer talking to people on the Internet
by
immafooker
on Fri 10 Feb 2006 10:20 AM PST
‘Cept for the cool gals who hang out here.
Seriously, if they’re not bored middle-aged housewives who now regret marrying and popping out kids at such an early age then it’s raging fanatics from the Bible Belt. And don’t forget your average, ordinary, common everyday idiot. The trouble with the Internet is the ease of disguise; you could say anything and the person on the other side of the blinking dot usually automatically assumes you’re being truthful. You can be a downright hypocritical lying bastard and it doesn’t matter because you’re here, and they’re all the way over there. I just can’t be or pretend to be somebody else. I can’t pretend to be nice to a person when I don’t give a damn about them. I can’t lie and go along with a person when I know they’re a complete imbecile and unimaginably wrong. I can’t go along with the throngs of admiring masses without question; why do we like this person again? I also can’t sit still while some nitwit goes around bullying and spouting bullshit just to compensate for their looming insignificance and innumerable insecurities. I could respect these people if they were honest about it, but as it is… Thursday, February 9
Run for your lives! It's the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am
by
immafooker
on Thu 09 Feb 2006 03:43 AM PST
Everybody within a hundred miles of Monterey: Stay inside and lock all the doors.
Do you know that depending on the time of year telling someone to go to Carmel is the equivalent of telling them to go to hell? Damnit! The preliminaries start tomorrow and I have my dentist appointment in the afternoon. All the celebrities stay in Pebble Beach. I mean, I’d much prefer to be ran over by Bill Murray, but instead it’ll be Chakeeta Bonita Shakwranda who came all the way from Georgia to see Kevin Costner or Justin Timberlake. Get this: The Church always has a couples’ dinner for Valentines Day, and since Mom’s gotten cute she takes every opportunity to show off. However these events are often planned in advanced. Yeah, you’ve probably already guessed it by now. They have reservations for an Italian restaurant in Carmel Saturday afternoon. We did weigh Mother’s options for a moment: Stay home, or show off cute outfit before getting trampled. And hell, if you’re gonna go you might as well do it looking your best. So Friday night we’re gonna play dress rehearsal to conclude which outfit is the cutest. You’ve seen Mom’s wedding pictures. Can you believe this is the first time in her life that she’s actually felt attractive? I mean it’s wonderful, and yet kinda sad inna way.
You gotta go try this when you're bored
by
immafooker
on Thu 09 Feb 2006 01:24 AM PST
I'd totally tell ya more about it and show ya pictures and stuff, but I'm just too goddamn lazy right now.
The place is called http://www.myheritage.com. Of course you have to sign up, that's so bloody annoying, but then you get to play with the facial recognition software and compare yourself to celebrities. Considering the number of photos I tested I'm having a hard time believing the accuracy, but if you're bored it's one helluva time waster. Now according to this site I'm Sharon Tate, Catherine Deneuve, Yoko Ono, the Dalia Lama, Peter Jackson, Sofia Coppola and David Kelly for some reason. Depending on your glasses, smile, hair or size of the photo you'll end up all over the map; although the names I gave were oddly consistant. I tried a lil experiment and did a couple photos of Mother and my Grandma. Now interestingly enough we all turned up with Natalie Wood. Then again Osama Bin Laden was only a 63% match to himself and 49% to Paul McCartney. And a baby picture of mine showed I was a 39% match to Saddam Hussein. When you're done with your own pictures then try it out on people you hate. I swear it'll give you such a warm fuzzy to learn your mortal enemy resembles Margaret Thatcher, Henry Kissinger or Alan Greenspan. I had one poor gal who only resembled extremely unattractive elderly men: Give ya two guesses and the first two don't count.
Mommy's back hurts and I'm out of Vicodin
by
immafooker
on Thu 09 Feb 2006 01:02 AM PST
Would somebody volunteer to brush their teeth in my honor? I just
can't seem to psyche myself up to humpy it on into the bathroom and
perform a task equivalent to brushing your teeth with razor
blades. I think I'll ask the dentist to start on the left side of
my mouth tomorrow.
Mother thinks she's quitting therapy and yet she has a shopping addiction; which has become rather critical since she lost her job (actually she's still technically employed, it's just very hard to explain and I don't feel like it) -- this should be interesting. Sunday, February 5
The best thing about Super Bowl Sunday
by
immafooker
on Sun 05 Feb 2006 01:25 PM PST
The snacks? No
The commercials? No The 85 hour pregame show promising 39 years of looking back on football and how the Super Bowl impacted an American hostage in Iran 25 years ago? No Ummm, the football? No The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet featuring a Kitty half-time show? Yes Molly loves to watch the Puppy Bowl, but I couldn’t get Patches interested. I turned the volume up so he could hear the barking, growling, etc and it didn’t even phase him. Saturday, February 4
I'm tired of medical procedures
by
immafooker
on Sat 04 Feb 2006 12:56 AM PST
It’s such a conundrum. I’m absolutely thrilled my revision isn’t
going to be some nerve-racking, daunting procedure. I’m also
happy to announce that they won’t be ripping all my teeth out and
replacing them with dentures; my gum problem isn’t even remotely as bad
as I originally foretold; and the few lil spots on the tops of various
teeth are actually just very recent cavities. (Although the
wisdom teeth are gonna have to be yanked, and the sooner the better.)
This is all great news and I can’t wait to get everything fixed, and yet the other part of me is taking a four year-old’s prone position; beating my fists, kicking my legs all the while screaming, “I don’t wanna!” You go on ahead without me; I’ll catch up to ya later. I’m too damn hormonal. My premenstrual symptoms mirror the hormonal changes of a pregnant woman. Or better yet: Eerily remind you of the Mothers who murdered their own children during a severe bout of post-partum depression. Seriously, it’s like I’m trapped in someone else’s body and unable to escape for the next week or two. Throw another medical procedure on the to-do list cuz I’m thisclose to having my uterus removed. Wednesday, February 1
I'm terribly busy feeling sorry for myself
by
immafooker
on Wed 01 Feb 2006 02:15 PM PST
It’s a full time job and requires all my energy.
I’m tired of medical procedures. Remember going to the doctor as a kid and for being such a good gurl you got a lollipop or some other goodie? Now that I’m much bigger and sassier I really need extra incentive to be on my best behavior. DOCTOR: Thank you for being such a good gurl, and not skewering me with that scalpel or turning the medical waste basket over my head; here’s a gift certificate for a free facial. ME: Alright! |
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