See if we’re all rageaholics.  Here we go:

1.    I've had trouble on the job because of my temper.

    I don’t have a job; I’m not down with authority.

2.    People say that I fly off the handle easily.

    They wouldn’t dare, they’d know I’d punch ‘em.

3.    I don't always show my anger, but when I do, look out.

    You’re so screwed.

4.    I still get angry when I think of the bad things people did to me in the past.

    Always.  God I hope they all die.

5.    I hate lines, and I especially hate waiting in line.

    Are there are people who enjoy waiting in line?  Do they lay awake at night in anticipation of waiting in line?

6.    I often find myself engaged in heated arguments with the people who are close to me.

    Rarely, that’s the whole idea of being close to folks.

7.    At times I've felt angry enough to kill.

    Yes, but then logic always steps in very quickly and reminds me that torture would be much more fun.

8.    When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don't usually say anything at the time, but later I spend a lot of time thinking of cutting replies I could and should have made.

    No, I’m purty quick about my comebacks.  However I do enjoy continually harassing a person till the inevitable restraining order arrives.

9.    I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong.

    Of course, why should they deserve forgiveness?  Who’s wearing the tiara here?

10.  I get angry with myself when I lose control of my emotions.

    Nope, passion’s good.

11.  I get aggravated when people don't behave the way they should.

    Well, when they don’t behave the way I think they should anyways.

12.  If I get really upset about something, I have a tendency to feel sick later (frequently experiencing weak spells, headaches, upset stomach or diarrhea).

    Noooo.  Isn’t that for wussies?

13.  When things don't go my way, I "lose it."

    That’s why it’s a good idea for things to go my way.

14.  I am apt to take frustration so badly that I cannot put it out of my mind.

    Nah, I’m not that focused.

15.  I've been so angry at times I couldn't remember what I said or did.

    I don’t remember what I’ve said during happy and fun times.  People always have to remind me of the great things I said; thank god someone remembers.

16.  Sometimes I feel so hurt and alone that I've thought about killing myself.

    This is starting to remind me of those, “Am I depressed?” tests where every person on the planet will answer yes to at least five questions.

17.  After arguing with someone, I despise myself.

    Well wouldn’t that mean the person feels guilty and therefore doesn’t really enjoy being a rageaholic?

18.  When riled, I often blurt out things I later regret saying.

    See answer above.  I personally am always quite proud of myself.

19.  Some people are afraid of my bad temper.

    The smart ones learn quickly.

20.  When I get angry, frustrated or hurt, I comfort myself by eating or using alcohol or other drugs.

    Yeah that’s totally uncommon.

21.  When someone hurts me, I want to get even.

    Even is no fun; one upping someone is a true accomplishment.

22.  I've gotten so angry at times that I've become physically violent, hitting other people or breaking things.

    Nah we have really nice stuff so all I ever toss are light fluffy objects or throw pillows.

23.  I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about the things that upset me during the day.

    Like not getting that chocolate dipped cone I wanted.  Bastards!

24.  People I've trusted have often let me down, leaving me feeling angry or betrayed.

    Oh no no, I only expect mediocrity from people nowadays; that way I’m never disappointed.

25.  I'm an angry person. My temper has already caused lots of problems, and I need help changing it.

    Did I just sign a confession?


Scoring the Anger Self-Assessment Test: If you answered true to 10 or more of these questions, you are prone to anger problems and may choose to call yourself a rageaholic and join our fellowship.  If you answered true to 5 questions, you are about average in your angry feelings, but learning some anger management techniques can make you happier.

Uh oh you guys, I think we’re gonna have to start attending Rageaholics Anonymous meetings.  Just an FYI, cake doughnuts really piss me off, bring glazed instead.

The writers of The Simpsons were kidding; the producers of tonight’s broadcast of Intervention on A&E weren’t.  (Remember the good ol’ days when A&E stood for Arts and Entertainment?)  Oh yes, rageaholism is a true disease where folks are just damn ass pissy all the time.  There’s even a Rageaholics Anonymous.

I’ll pause for a bit while you’re rollin around the floor laughing.

I know, I thought it was a hoot too.  We are thisclose to becoming a no fault society.

DEFENDANT: *sniff* It’s not my fault I stabbed the cat, threw my wife through a plate glass window, blew up the mail lady’s truck, took an axe to all our major appliances and beat the neighbor’s lawn gnome up.  I have a disease…  I’m a rageaholic!  It’s all in this pamphlet.

JUDGE: No, you’re just an asshole.