It was supposed to be a post about the miracle of health insurance, a surgery date and the wonder of being with a 17 year old young man whose diapers you changed.  And the fun-filled irony of it all is that it still is, but bittersweet.  

We received a thumbsup from Pacific Care who had recently merged with United Health.  Mother has United Health and thus knew I was totally covered.  But too much medication, pain and anxiety created a wall of distrust.  It was Craig who jumped in and became mediator; reminding me that my Mother would always be my ally, and of course him too.  

I’ve been so reluctant to write about this.  I’m afraid if I slit myself wide open and break down the unimaginable gargantuan dam of denial, I’ll bleed dry.  

We’d always had fun during the Summers of past, but this time he was older, more cerebral.  He was so open with me and I was so touched and honored (even though that’s a bloody trite I just can’t think of anything else) that he trusted me so.  Suddenly I sat there across from my dream come true: A brother; a sibling you could talk to that noone would understand.

You recall my mentioning the online computer game he was having trouble with?  Well three weeks into his visit, and after he convinced me to buy a copy as well, I told him he could use my puter to play his account.  I assumed he’d pop on for a couple hours, say howdy and be done with it.

Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.

I never saw him afterwards, he turned into somebody else.  Where had my boy gone?  Who loved to watch South Park, play with the cats or just roll around laughing so hard till we nearly choke to death?  He spent about 15 hours a day playing the game.

I was in full hissy mode.  

Over just a computer game?

No.  Ever since he was 12 he and we planned on him coming out here to go to college.  Two weeks into his visit while I was in Mother’s bedroom and he was in the living room, she let it out that he told her that he’d already been accepted at Emporia State.  The shock on my face and tears rolling down my cheeks quickly told her that he’d yet to share this with me.  I never said a word and a few days later in the middle of killing each other in Mario Kart he told me and I said that I already knew as Mother had told me.  He pointed out nothing’s final and he might change his mind, and I conceded that I understood how hard it would be to leave his Mother and Sister.  

Then there was silence and he said, “You know, we just had the bummer talk.”  We did what any upset and confused teenager and twenty-something year old does: We hopped in the SUV for a cupcake and potato chip run.

His last week with me.  His honest to God last week, you know he won’t be back last week, and the computer gets him.

We were supposed to drive back to Kansas, but Mother and I suddenly lost all enthusiasm.  In my vindictiveness I was determined to find a reasonable plane ticket, and of course I did.  It was clear he was disappointed our road trip was cancelled and then I just felt guilty about it.

A few days before his departure I sat next to him watching him play this game as if nothing else existed.  In full desperation mode and tears streaming down my cheeks I begged and pleaded.  Even in his supposed betrayal he was completely honest with me.  He knew he was completely addicted to this game and it was wonderful to retreat.  

He had promised to chat with me on the game, but the truth is he avoids and hides from me.  If I happen to catch him his replies are short and often curt, especially if I ask for help.  I stand there inna sea of 5 million accounts onna goddamn game I don’t care for, and there’s only one I care for but he won’t speak to me.

You see, in the end, he never stabbed me in the back; he stared straight into my eyes and stabbed me in the heart.  I’ve left it there because it’s all I have left of him.

It’s a strange and new emptiness I’ve never felt before.

My revision surgery is scheduled for the 14th.  I had decided to stop attacking my doctors, assuming wild conspiracies all against me, but a couple days ago I received a change to my insurance; completely changed.  Remember the joke of an insurance company I told ya about?  This is what my insurance is now.

Everyone’s tired of me and I can’t really blame them.  I’ve cried more the past couple years than I have in the last decade or more.  People tell me to stay positive and then they get this look on their face; that look people get when they desperately want you to leave the room.

Last night, while looking for my MP3 player charger, I was rolling around the cement floor of the computer room.  One of the stupidest things I could do but when I can’t find something I don’t worry about consequences like searing back pain the next day.  Spiders all over the floor and crawling in my hair and I could care less.  Once back in my chair sifting through papers and general junk it occurred to me what would've taken place if that was Craig in the living room as opposed to my Father and his mother.  First of all Craig would make me get up off the floor and then later would hold me down and pick every one of those spiders outta my hair even though he hates them.  Of course my waterworks start gushin at full blast then I over hear the lady, who’s my Grandmother through blood only, say, “I’m gonna go in and see what Brooke’s doin.”  Oh fuck, I’ve got to suck it up and dry my tears.  There was no need to bother, she was completely oblivious and thought I was playing on the computer.  She went on about how those things just scare her and then wandered back into the living were they commenced to talking about how gosh darn hard computers are.

I laughed and cried over the absolute absurdity of it all.

What a dominated fool to beleive you were the Earth and Sky.

How can someone soooo pessimistic always wind up being a naive optimist?

Tell me, how can that be possible.