I'm mean and not gonna tell you right now because I can finally take my pain medication now that my dinner's gone down.  Yes I'm no longer terrified of food. 

But seriously, you'll never guess what I learned today; completely floored me and then of course I got pissed.  Anyways I promise to tell ya tomorrow when I'm pain free.

If I wasn’t stuck on the toilet I’d totally be out there kicking your ass.  Huh, maybe all those lil floaters are all my medications zippin on through.  That would explain why I’ve yet to have any relief in my back or abdomen.

Dr. Swartz wasn’t in today so I got to see the pretend surgeon.  First of all, if I hadn’t mentioned the bruising, tightness and pain he never woulda looked at my incisions.  As long as I’ve been going there they use staples on your incision to stop ya up.  Do I have staples?  Do I need something removed?  Would anyone like to share any information with me?  So according to play surgeon those bruises and pain are normal.  When we asked how long the pain would last he said that it’d be anywhere from a few weeks to months.  If you recall (or your own surgery for that matter) I never had much pain and Mother’s went away in just a few days.  Mine pulls on the incisions every step I take; it hurts to bend over, it hurts to reach for something, blah blah blah.  

When it came to the nutritional questions Dr. “I pooped my pants” was completely lost.  

DR. DILDO: Oh no, lots of people have trouble with dairy products.  You were lactose intolerant before right?

ME: No

DR. DILDO: Oh… ummm…  Well you should be fine then or wait and see. *thumbsup*

ME: Is fiber no longer encouraged?  Can I have cooked vegetables or salads?

DR. DILDO: Oh well lots of patients have trouble with salads after this surgery.  If it can’t be digested it’ll just pass on through undigested.  Could you eat salads before?

ME: Yes

DR. DILDO: Oh well I’m sure it will be fine then or maybe you should test it out.

ME: I have a common channel of 100cm; I originally had a 150 cm bypass, so how much small intestines do I have bypassed now?

DR. DILDO: Oh ummm, let’s see.  Well there’s 8 feet of small intestines so that would make it… No that’s not right…

ME: There’s 12

DR. DILDO: Right so 12 feet that would be ummm… 6 feet, 6 feet you had bypassed.

What a moron; let’s play the round it off game and we have 365 cm in 12 feet.  Now let’s all add 150 to 100.  I dunno about you all but my calculator says 250.  Actually I have about 3 ft of intestines left and about 9 ft bypass, or 265 cm bypassed.

I went on to ask him about the constant gas, both belching and down under, and he said that was totally normal with this surgery too.  He actually went through this lil spiel about how gas is just a part of surgery; it was so darling.  So apparently I’m supposed to expect and get bloating, constant gas pain, belching; even from drinking water.  Yeah you heard me; I have all these symptoms after just drinking water.

I finally made him piss his pants and run off, mumbling something about getting Dr. Swartz.  Dr. Swartz wasn’t in the office today; there was no schedule for him to be in the office today.  By this time I turned over and faced the wall.  I overheard his conversation with Dr. Felix out in the hall (I don’t eavesdrop, I’m just an excellent listener); he mentioned me having diarrhea more than 8 times a day and Dr. Felix replied, “Oh no, that’s not good at all.”  Then he completely changed subjects and was talking about how Dr. Dildo liked Fresno and his wife back in Arizona, probably something about golf.  Oh the laughter and the tee hee hees.  

Dr. Dildo prescribed 4 Imodium Advanced a day and more if needed.  On our way out we met up with Dr. Felix in the hallway, all I could think is that if he has any inkling in that smarmy brain of his he will not say a word to me.  Instead he was a moron and said, “Oh hey, how you doin?”  I just hissed at him.  He was bumfuzzled for a moment but then got all uppity and was demanding to know what I said to him to which I replied, “I didn’t say anything to you; I hissed at you.”  Goddamn short lil kike doctor.  I’m beginning to think there was excellent reasoning behind everyone trying to wipe out the Jews, or at least kick ‘em outta their country, for the past couple millennia.

So we’re staying another night and supposed to see Dr. Swartz tomorrow.  

Oh wait I forgot to tell you the funny part!  I weighed 329 for my pre-op appt; the next day in the hospital I weighed 321 (same type of scales and wearing the same exact clothes); this morning I weighed 326; I couldn’t help but laugh when I stepped off the scales.  

By the way, Mother made me some real food because prior I was refusing to eat anything, but I figured if I was to eat and shit it back out it may as well be damn good.  So she made some mashed potatoes with turkey burger crumbled up in some gravy.  Twenty minutes later it was banging on the door to be released, and this was after I had taken all my pills plus the Imodium Advanced before I ever ate.

What idiot would have a revision of the same surgery that managed to ruin their life three years prior?

I’M THAT IDIOT!

No real surprise there.  

Once again the nurses were absolutely fabulous.  There was this sweet anesthesiologist nurse.  The day before it had occurred to me folks in the medical professional that I liked and admired had seen me naked.  This was a very disturbing thought.  It worse when the whole idea of the catheter came about, however this gal was cool and sweet I decided it to allow her to get to third base with me.  It was kinda funny, I didn’t count but I had the oxygen mask on and the anesthesiologist was doin his thing.  She tells her patients to imagine a wonderful dream.  Which she did, but you know me; I’m lying there and I said, “I’m not asleep yet.”  

COOL NURSE: In just a couple seconds you will be.  There we go.  Goodnight Sweetheart.  

It’s true things were getting mildly fuzzy but…

ME: I’m still not asleep.

COOL NURSE: Have a wonderful dream.

ME: I can’t, I still not asleep.

And that’s the last thing I remember.  By the way, everyone was incredibly nice towards me during the day of surgery because I couldn’t stop crying.  They’re rolling me down the hall; I’m staring up at the ceiling thinking of that David Gray song The One I Love:


Now I’m Leakin Life Faster than I’m Leakin Blood
Tell the Reaper Man
And the Stars Above
That You’re the One I Love

It’s actually Tell the Repo Man, but this song has either been used or was originally meant for Laguna Beach.  So change a few words and it actually becomes a much cooler song.

Anyways I’m getting tired so I’ll to tell you all about the surgery and the hospital later; right now we have to get to the reason why I’m on here in the first place.

Things need to be written before they’re forgotten.  Although… there is that story about my raging panic attack and how they wheeled me off for a few tests to which I’ve yet to see the results from (However I’m sure we’ll see the bill. Looks like Clovis will be getting more than just $12,000 – good for them).  Bleh, and my roommate who constantly moaned; loud, not pleasurable but I’m dying type of moan.  It totally kicked ass, but I’ll write about that later.

Unfortunately I was treated and given instructions for a RNY gastric bypass patient.  Yeah these really don’t apply to me; my pouch and stoma weren’t even touched.  When I first got to my room the nurse gave me some ice chips then said I could move up to water but I’d have to sip.  She also gave me a one ounce cup to remind me of my pouch size.  All surgeons will tell you that your pouch will expand to 2 to 3 ounces or a bit more depending on your situation – it’s normal.  I don’t guzzle water anymore, but I pretty much drink fairly normal and like I used to.

ME: But I had a revision and they didn’t even touch the pouch.

NURSE: Well we don’t want you taxing the small intestine they moved.

Dr. Swartz honest to God told me I could have solid food by my second day, which of course floored me.

ME: Huh? You mean mushy type solid food right?

DR. SWARTZ: No I mean solid, solid type food.

ME: Seriously?

DR. SWARTZ: If mushy solids will make you feel comfortable I have no problem with you trying that for a lil while.

ME: Well you are the surgeon here so I guess you know what you’re talking about.

First day was liquids; it’s what Dr. Swartz said so I was expecting it.  Second was also liquids – huh.  This surgery is less dangerous than the first, but they never took me off that fucking IV again until it was time to go home, and believe me when I say: I drank buckets.

During my discharge the surgeon doing his fellowship with Dr. Swartz and other guy told me I was to eat soft foods.  Huh?  My discharge papers said right on the top: Instructions for the RNY gastric bypass patient.  Yeah thanks.  

I’m also not sure if the blood clot was a big threat as it was for the bypass surgery.  Plus!  My lil incision in the middle of my abdomen has grown a bruise the size of Rhode Island.  I never ever got a bruise from my first surgery; got the pictures to prove it.  I also never had any incision pain.  Not only do I have incision pain now, but it’s also hard and painful around the incisions.  Is that normal?  Well I don’t have a fucking clue because noone has bothered to share much.

So for the last couple days I’ve been hanging out on the toilet shitting my brains out; all the weight loss in the world isn’t worth that.  Fortunately my Vicodin and muscle relaxers tend to work in my favor and turn off the faucet.  Besides drinking water my first day I ate ½ cup of lowfat, midget curd cottage cheese and a cup of cream of chicken soup.  Today I had the same amount of cottage cheese, a sugar free popsicle and 1 scrambled egg.  Totally badass foods eh?  I actually wouldn’t mind a popsicle now, but since I’ve taken my pills I’m scared to death to eat anything or even finish a bottle of water.  There are some fat free refried beans in there that I’m terrified to go near.  There’s oatmeal but I’m suddenly unsure of dairy products now.

It’s kinda like that old recycled joke I heard as a lil kid about a polish guy; as the years go by you just change the ethnicity.  So I guess we would use Muslims, Islamics or sand niggers.  Well probably not that last one, how bout this?

How do you make a terrorist nuts?

Tell him to go into a strip bar and find 77 virgins.

Ok that was mine, this one’s real now:

How do you make a terrorist go crazy?

Put him inna round room and tell him to pee inna corner.

I think I see how this surgery works now: I don’t want to live my life on the toilet so I become terrified.  I just went from Bulimic to Anorexic; I’m movin on up!

See you kids on the other side; I promise.

I got to meet Susan from soontobeanewme.blogspot.com She's totally cool and we had great fun chattin. 

Oh, you wanna know what we talked about eh?  Pffft!  Well ya better show up for our pow-wow next time.