If I wasn’t stuck on the toilet I’d totally be out there kicking your ass.  Huh, maybe all those lil floaters are all my medications zippin on through.  That would explain why I’ve yet to have any relief in my back or abdomen.

Dr. Swartz wasn’t in today so I got to see the pretend surgeon.  First of all, if I hadn’t mentioned the bruising, tightness and pain he never woulda looked at my incisions.  As long as I’ve been going there they use staples on your incision to stop ya up.  Do I have staples?  Do I need something removed?  Would anyone like to share any information with me?  So according to play surgeon those bruises and pain are normal.  When we asked how long the pain would last he said that it’d be anywhere from a few weeks to months.  If you recall (or your own surgery for that matter) I never had much pain and Mother’s went away in just a few days.  Mine pulls on the incisions every step I take; it hurts to bend over, it hurts to reach for something, blah blah blah.  

When it came to the nutritional questions Dr. “I pooped my pants” was completely lost.  

DR. DILDO: Oh no, lots of people have trouble with dairy products.  You were lactose intolerant before right?

ME: No

DR. DILDO: Oh… ummm…  Well you should be fine then or wait and see. *thumbsup*

ME: Is fiber no longer encouraged?  Can I have cooked vegetables or salads?

DR. DILDO: Oh well lots of patients have trouble with salads after this surgery.  If it can’t be digested it’ll just pass on through undigested.  Could you eat salads before?

ME: Yes

DR. DILDO: Oh well I’m sure it will be fine then or maybe you should test it out.

ME: I have a common channel of 100cm; I originally had a 150 cm bypass, so how much small intestines do I have bypassed now?

DR. DILDO: Oh ummm, let’s see.  Well there’s 8 feet of small intestines so that would make it… No that’s not right…

ME: There’s 12

DR. DILDO: Right so 12 feet that would be ummm… 6 feet, 6 feet you had bypassed.

What a moron; let’s play the round it off game and we have 365 cm in 12 feet.  Now let’s all add 150 to 100.  I dunno about you all but my calculator says 250.  Actually I have about 3 ft of intestines left and about 9 ft bypass, or 265 cm bypassed.

I went on to ask him about the constant gas, both belching and down under, and he said that was totally normal with this surgery too.  He actually went through this lil spiel about how gas is just a part of surgery; it was so darling.  So apparently I’m supposed to expect and get bloating, constant gas pain, belching; even from drinking water.  Yeah you heard me; I have all these symptoms after just drinking water.

I finally made him piss his pants and run off, mumbling something about getting Dr. Swartz.  Dr. Swartz wasn’t in the office today; there was no schedule for him to be in the office today.  By this time I turned over and faced the wall.  I overheard his conversation with Dr. Felix out in the hall (I don’t eavesdrop, I’m just an excellent listener); he mentioned me having diarrhea more than 8 times a day and Dr. Felix replied, “Oh no, that’s not good at all.”  Then he completely changed subjects and was talking about how Dr. Dildo liked Fresno and his wife back in Arizona, probably something about golf.  Oh the laughter and the tee hee hees.  

Dr. Dildo prescribed 4 Imodium Advanced a day and more if needed.  On our way out we met up with Dr. Felix in the hallway, all I could think is that if he has any inkling in that smarmy brain of his he will not say a word to me.  Instead he was a moron and said, “Oh hey, how you doin?”  I just hissed at him.  He was bumfuzzled for a moment but then got all uppity and was demanding to know what I said to him to which I replied, “I didn’t say anything to you; I hissed at you.”  Goddamn short lil kike doctor.  I’m beginning to think there was excellent reasoning behind everyone trying to wipe out the Jews, or at least kick ‘em outta their country, for the past couple millennia.

So we’re staying another night and supposed to see Dr. Swartz tomorrow.  

Oh wait I forgot to tell you the funny part!  I weighed 329 for my pre-op appt; the next day in the hospital I weighed 321 (same type of scales and wearing the same exact clothes); this morning I weighed 326; I couldn’t help but laugh when I stepped off the scales.  

By the way, Mother made me some real food because prior I was refusing to eat anything, but I figured if I was to eat and shit it back out it may as well be damn good.  So she made some mashed potatoes with turkey burger crumbled up in some gravy.  Twenty minutes later it was banging on the door to be released, and this was after I had taken all my pills plus the Imodium Advanced before I ever ate.