Well actually I’d have to make money off of it; so not exactly free.  

Why is it when someone’s in trouble I automatically assume it’s my job to save them?  

Ok SuperTwat, now that ya got yer lil red cape on where’s the money you need to pull these people outta their crisis? 

Ummm, I spent most of it last month. 

On the same people? 

Well yes, but I wanted to and it was supposed to be my vacation.

Now you’re going back for Christmas and all in a dither over the folks back there with problems.  So you must magically produce money outta thin air to help.

Yes, I’ve literally been scanning every room and wondering what I could sell:  Cabbage Patch Kids; not in mint condition.  It’d be hard to sell the piano out from under Mother’s nose.  To get a decent price onna a WoW account I’d have to play the stupid game day and night to level up, get the best gear, blah, blah, blah.  Not to mention I haven’t been on for nearly two years and there’s a gazillion updates and patches to download.  Clothes?  I gave a bunch away; clothing is the most annoying thing to sell on eBay. 

Plus it’s not exactly a seller’s market right now. 

No shit.  No valuable jewelry to speak of and this is MY GODDAMN LAPTOP!  And that’s MY GODDAMN NINTENDO WII AND WII FIT.  I do have some stock, but that’s supposed to be my lil nest egg; especially after what Dr. Dumb and Dr. Dumber did to me. 

Are you still bitching about that?

I have full complaining rights till the day I die. 

Fair enough.

It’s not like people ever ask me to do this at all.  In fact if they had any inclination of my intentions or my obsessions over how to get money, they’d throw a fit and demand that I stop.

And so this brings us back to porn.  Sure the economy is bad, but everyone likes boobies.  I could just set up another website…  I mean, I did get a neutered dog all riled up and hump everything in sight.  That’s gotta count for something, right?

Wonder how much I could make inna month?

Honey why don't you go play tennis?  Or watch a nice movie like Hero, Across the Universe or Hairspray?

Ok

No watching the IFC or Sundance channel, and for Godsakes no documentaries!

Not even a lil one?  Sometimes they have funny stuff on the Indie channels.

No!  I swear I'm gonna block those channels from you.

You'd have to block HBO and then we'd never get to see True Blood.

Damn!

Can I watch True Blood if it's on?

If True Blood is on I'm watchin too.

I think Jason wants to be a vampire.

I betcha Eddie will turn him before the season ends.

I am so there.

Me too.

 

Oh don’t look so surprised, you know my grandiose ego loves reading my own writing.  Why?  Because it’s fucking great!  And fucking depressing but that goes with the territory.  All the best writers have either been drunks, druggies, assholes, depressed, suicidal or all the above.  If I was a shiny, happy, cheery writer I’d be on MySpace.

However I must admit it’s time to do a lil house cleaning, i.e. proofreading some 530+ articles; especially the non-sober or enhanced articles.  Hell, even most of those only have a few mistakes: Soma, 3.0 Xanax, Flexeril, 4 Tylenol, 2 Nyquil, 6 Clonidine and Hello, I’m History and I’ll be repeating myself today contained only one flaw.    

Yeah, I am that fucking great.

I hate Al Gore, don’t you?

Penn & Teller: Bullshit! did an episode this season titled, Being Green.  While they admitted to no clear cut evidence as to whether (or weather) Global Warming truly does exist, nor could they claim Bullshit.  They were however able to slam Carbon Footprints, and completely eviscerate the bogus solution of monetarily paying for your own Carbon Footprints you’ve left on this ever so delicate planet.  I suppose they make you start from the beginning, and pay for every diaper you used as a baby. 

And who is behind this ludicrous, and yet overwhelmingly profitable idea?  Al Gore: The guy who won an Oscar for a slide show, and the Nobel Peace Prize for creating an ingenious pyramid scheme.

Penn and Teller managed to sodomize this man with a rototiller.  

I love Penn Jillette and Teller, don’t you?
shaking fist Say it!

So this was just a few days after learning my Aunt Neno passed away, and like the rest of us soon will be (or already are) buried in the cemetery located in Vassar, KS.  I was searching the net for the population of Vassar, KS, wondering if there were more people buried at the cemetery.  If I remember correctly when I Googled “Vassar, Kansas population”, the third result contained big bold letters telling me how many Carbon Footprints Vassar, KS is responsible for emitting.  The website was eRedux.com and how very fortunate for me when they offered a contact us link.

Five minutes ago I just performed the identical search.  This time the same result didn’t even make it to the top ten.  Perhaps the following letter is the reason why.

 

Written on 8/28/08

Carbon Footprints from Vassar, Kansas?  A town with a population of 845.  The cemetery houses more people, and by the way half my family is buried there.

 

Stop preying on people's fears and hard earned money.  Want to clean up the environment?  Start by taking a shower, wiping the sperm off your 75 inch plasma screen television, give your kids some Gas-X (all those organic vegetables you feed them are giving them a tummy ache) and please start wiping your own ass.

 

Al Gore isn't a Noble Prize winner and certainly no saint.  He's just another money grubbing politician; who like George Bush is killing millions through his "quest", and you are all his accomplices. 

 

Can't wait to visit your graves and stamp it with my own little personal Carbon Footprint.

 

R.I.D. (Rest in delusion),

Brooke

 

While removing my slippers, at 2:20 am, I’m suddenly struck by a revelation – although the slippers had no part in the “Ah Ha” moment.  It’s what was currently occupying my thoughts; I pondered over the reasons why I’m so terrified of driving.  I have a small accident and my drunk, irresponsible and abusive Uncle to thank for this irrational fear.  To make up for his wrong doings, and to keep me quiet, he always bought me stuff if that day or a previous visit was exceptionally brutal.  And yet through it all I still loved him and we always had a blast together, and generally just had an obscene amount of fun.

One slipper off 

Fun:  Laughing so hard you wind up on the floor, giving yourself a headache, wasting your time trying to catch your breath.  If you had anything in your mouth you either nearly choke to death or projectile whatever was very recently consumed; and you may as well just forget about your bladder. 

Other slipper in hand

My Uncle is/was like two people.  “Hurray!  Funny Uncle John is here”, to, “Please, dear God, let me outta this car now”, or, “It’s a lil tough to breathe with your hands locked around my throat.” 

Craig isn’t abusive or violent; just manipulative, passive aggressive, addicted to computer games, addicted to drugs and a world class liar. 

But, but we laugh and have the best time together.  It’s just that it seems… 

You have to deal with two people in one? 

Yes 

By this time both slippers had found their own place to settle in for the night.  I just stared at them 

History is being repeated brought to you by the son.