Read it and weep; then die laughing.

U.S. produces anti-suicide bombing ad for Iraq

I know you've all been asking and wondering but the wait is finally over.  After numerous problems and setbacks I finally received that revision I needed.  Unfortunately due to the insurance forcing me to change surgeons and opt for a much more invasive surgery, ridiculous as it sounds, I've actually become way too skinny.

I'm just gonna stop talking.

Stay the hell away from it.

Here’s the thing; I purposely avoided getting my back x-rayed because if there were something actually wrong with it I’d honestly be in more pain.  It’s that whole mind over matter crap.  Now I’m not talking about douchebag magicians, levitation or the nerdy movie Matrix, but there are certain things one can talk themselves into.

Scientist have proven that positive and negative reinforcement can affect the human body or outcome.  For example:  Take the truly Woe is me persona; most of their woes do come from poor choices but it does seem that they are a magnet for misfortunes, missed opportunities and general bad luck (yours truly included – I enjoy being miserable).  Does that mean if they were positive thinkers with a cheery outlook on life nothing upsetting would ever happen again?  Noooo, but a few things may turn in their favor.

Soooo, if I believe there’s no permanent damage and stretching and exercising will relieve my pain and increase mobility; there’s an excellent chance that’s exactly what will occur.

Anyway about the back surgery, it would seem that some naughty surgeons suggest this as a patient’s only option and never reveal they’re actually receiving kickbacks from the company who provides the titanium rods and so forth.  When in fact studies have proven that intense physical therapy (even including such forbidden things as purposely lifting with your back) will strengthen your spine and render you painless.  As opposed to opting for a dangerous invasive surgery that has left many disabled and wheelchair bound for life.

My chair's vibrating at this moment wanna come and sit on my lap?

Have no idea who the guy is, but figured ya gotta be purty ugly to get the 11:30 spot on Sunday night.  As we met the rest of Chris's panel my theories were confirmed; cranky old men and old hags with bad makeup.  Seriously, how bout a facial or possible nose job, and there's a certain point every woman reaches in her life when she must let go of that shiny beach blonde hair inna bottle.

I posted a new photo to Photos/Fleurs.

Documentary about Primordial Dwarfism.  Is it just me or was the British gal doin the interviews a condescending cunt?

Primordial Dwarfism is extremely rare, even more so now in modern times and is often not diagnosed until four or five years of age.  The average life span is about 30, although the oldest living Primordial Dwarf in the US is 43.  Once again like most rare diseases or afflictions doctors can only scratch their ass and answer most questions with: I don’t know.

I don’t know how long you’re going to live. 

I don’t know what sort of medical problems may arise in the future.

I don’t know if reproduction is possible.

I don’t know why this happened, etc etc.

This entry has to do with embarrassing feminine hygiene products; I just like saying it out loud.

Patches is the absolute smartest lil fart.  However sometimes his overwhelming curiosity gets the best of him; like sticking his head into a bit too small round cut onna cardboard box then wigging out when he realizes he’s stuck – that was really funny.

But seriously, lil booger has figured out how to open closet doors and not just any ol’ closet door; these snap shut.  He loves earplug hockey and as earplugs are wont to do, they often end up in tight corners or underneath something.  Instead of running to me and saying, “Mom I totally lost another earplug.”  He walks around the site, studying it from every angle and almost always retrieves it himself.  In fact if an earplug is dangerously close to a seemingly black hole, he always picks it up in his mouth, turns around and launches it the opposite direction.

Oh yeah, he is a fun lil toot.

But it gets even better:  As I’ve explained before he is completely in love with Molly.  Hell, Molly was one of the main reasons why he finally decided to come outta my room.  The way to a man’s heart is sometimes through another woman.  At times it’s a lil too much togetherness for Moll and she gets cranky – needs her me time and he’s starting to get purty good at understanding these piss off female signals.  Sometimes after a tussle I’ll find an earplug left in one of Molly’s favorite spots as a peace offering from Patches.  But most of the time he just buries his head in her long silky fur and like a good lil Mommy she starts cleaning him.  When she does this he has the most calm and happy look on his face; this cat can literally smile.  

Finally, here’s the really cool bit:  As Molly’s groomin for two now she unfortunately has an occasional hairball.  You can tell she has a tummy ache by her lack of tolerance for Patches and she tends to hide under furniture.  One night while doing the dishes Patches kept incessantly howling.  This wasn’t your normal come watch me play or be cute, it was distressed and urgent.  I go to him and pet him, sayin that everything’s ok.  Eventually I start to worry and begin feelin him around to see if he’s hurt or anything.  At last I give up and go sit in the living room with him, but he’s on the other side of the room staring under an ottoman.  Lil Molly was underneath curled up in her, “My tummy hurts position.”  Patches looked at me as if to say, “Fix it Mom.”  Now every time she feels bad or has thrown up a hairball, Patches always lets us know -- he even stops whatever he’s doin and runs to her if he hears her cry.

Is that not the bestest boy in the land or what?

I need some advice.  The vet thought it best to give Patches flea medication because of his super sensitive skin, but herein lies my dilemma:  Molly is the eternal Mommy; she grooms him from head to toe and he adores it.  This makes him feel peaceful and safe.  Unfortunately the package is filled warning labels and what to do incase of an accidental poisoning.  Well this is a problem.  

Anyone out there with more than one cat who needs flea medication?  If so, how do ya keep ‘em from lickin it off each other?  Also, did I forget to mention that Patches absolutely adores Molly and refuses to be away from her for more than five minutes?

I don't wanna go to my therapist's appointment today; rather go back to bed.  Besides I'm no longer insured anyways -- I'll explain that later, meanwhile don't start pitying me because it'll annoy the crap outta me.

I'm sitting here all dressed up and drugged up and I still just don't wanna go.

While watching Grey’s Anatomy last night I saw a commercial for some made for TV movie about the Avian Flu.

The only reason I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy is because I got sucked into that after the SuperBowl teaser about a Code Black.  What?  There’s a black guy in the hospital?  You’re just making that one up.  And then it ended up being a two parter which meant I had to watch the damn show again.  So you guessed it, I have another show to add to the line up; those bastards.

Now back to the annoying, up and coming made for TV movie and/or mini-series:  Your average American doesn’t know shit about this so called bird flu, or that most flu viruses come from goddamn birds anyway.  There are honest to God people out there who have stopped eating chicken ever since this new wave of terror popped up.  What a fantastic opportunity to cause wide spread panic and countless fetal positions (not to mention extra income for the pharmaceutical companies) by creating an Avian Flu movie filled with enough bullshit to squish between your toes.

I’ve already explained a bit about this virus and am not up to repeating it so go here.

That's the price of being a socially acceptable junkie.

Right now I’m using ice with dangerously high arsenic levels.  I live on the edge!  Well what else was I supposed to do with my non-carbonated, sugar-free, Strawberry Kiwi flavored beverage?  Drink it warm?  I don’t think so.

I also gonna say something else that proved I lived on the edge, but ummm, I forgot it.

Wanna see how my first test batch of beef jerky came out?


A lil over dry and crunchy, however still better than any store bought jerky.  It said to pat dry and I think I was a lil over zealous in that department.

I’m making it in the oven, using this lil kebob thing below and settin the temperature at 150.

As birthday tradition demands; whenever anyone asked how old I was I'd always say, "Guess!" 

Did they say 21?

Did they say 18?

NO!  16 and let me tell you they were completely flabbergasted when I announced I was 29.

See?  I told ya I could never buy a cigarette or lottery ticket (if I wanted to) without an ID.

Tomorrow I shall post the secret to my hotness.

I'll tell ya all about my birthday later when my brain is working, but the following I just had to post.


Yes that's good ol' Ruth Toots trying to surf my site anonymously; really sad.  Anyways I threw this in hidden because I find it much more humorous that she truly believes she's gettin away with something and is smarter than me.

So laugh amongst yourselves.

I regret the day I ever agreed to upgrade to this worthless piece of shit.  Thank God for Firefox, otherwise I’d take a hammer to the DSL and end it all.

Every time you highlight something this lil window pops up right in your damn way asking useless questions, and it won’t fuck off until you unhighlight your text.  That’s right: there’s no bloody backspacing or deleting your way out of this bastard.  I suppose all I need to do is update my options and uncheck the box that suggests you use this incessant popup, but it shouldn’t even be in existence in the first place.  I blame AOL.

It’s big into security; too damn much security.  Every once in awhile it warns me that my ID isn’t fully protected and someone could steal it.  What, some guy with an empty shopping cart is out to become Brooke Lee?  Christ if you’re really that hard up I’ll happily hand it over to ya.  I can take it as a deduction off my taxes anyway.

But you all suck.

I got an Ecard from Webshots and a 20% coupon, bitches!

I’m going to spend it with cats and various restaurants.  

Please send online gift certificates to narf@networksplus.net.  Or I'll accept cash my paypal account is narf@networksplus.net 

If ya wanna do something really cool you could sponsor a cat for me.  I like Miss Kitty and Thomas and Smudge; Thomas is an FIV+ kitty. Tortellini and Pesto; Tortellini is blind but gets around great with the help of of her sister Pesto.  And Cesar who is also an FIV+ kitty.

Or you could make this just another miserable birthday to add to the records.  The choice, is yours.

Sometimes people end up on my site from the weirdest searches such as:

where can i read gates, david. the mail lady?

agent owen Douglas

masturbating calories blood sugar

love ya too anonymous writer

grandmother takes nude photos of children

butt glued murrysville o'toole

Ok, the Grandmother thing was a lil disturbing but the following is just not right: This search led to my critique on Maury’s show about overweight adolescents wearing practically nothing.

As many of you are aware Amy Williams recognizable from a segment on MTV’s True Life episode: I am Obese is attempting to sue The Dag for harassment and also attempt to get a post pulled from Dagny’s own website because in Amy’s opinion, “it wasn’t nice.”  She also mentioned three links from my site in this letter.  One link included her many, many visitations to my site.  Another included some emails from her to me.  This in her mind is harassment.

This long drawn out self-inflicted drama has ceased to be annoying and has just become sad.  I made the following comment on Dag’s site but it was so fucking brilliant I felt it needed repeating:


Without further ado, the stalking continues:

A couple days ago I had a dream; one of those annoying lucid types.  The dream as follows:

DAD:  Do you think this surgery will work?

ME:  No

DAD:  Then why are you having it?

Everyone including the doctor and surgeon says I’m not a failure, but it’s purty hard not to hold a gun in your mouth when this person lost over 350 pounds.

You blow it; that’s your own misfortune.

You should hear the asinine and retarded stories Russ tells me.  I love Russ even when he believes a deranged stranger over me because he is a kind, caring and unbelievably patient man.  I saw many a different father throughout my childhood and always found myself saying, “I’m very grateful for Russ.”

But back to the tards:  

TARD:  Oh the Lord did this for me; oh the Lord did that for me; oh the Lord smited the hell outta my neighbor cuz I told him to.  The Lord talked to me in my soup bowl today; the Lord gave me a vision of a great catastrophe.

ME:  Sounds fun.  

TARD:  The Lord saved me from this and the Lord saved me from that.  The Lord thinks South Park is evil and that the ho-mo-sex-u-als will burn in hell.  

ME:  He sounds like a great guy, tell me more.  

TARD:  Oh but the Lord is all loving and kind; when you sin it makes him cry.  

ME:  Sounds like a pussy to me.  Does he have a ponytail?  

TARD:  And when we die we will get to live in the kingdom of heaven for ever and ever.  

ME:  How big is this heaven you’re talking about?  There’s how many of us on Earth plus how many have died since the dawn of man…  Does the Lord like the guy who invented Febreeze?

Tonight the Lord has one last shot from becoming the biggest douche in the universe.  You may say I was a lil belligerent with my demands to the Lawd, but what about that jerk in India who claims he was gonna throw himself in front of a train if the Lord didn’t show himself?  Sounds purty fucking manipulative if ya ask me.  That asshole when on to write a book about how gosh darn hard it was to be a Christian in India, and that Buddhist Monks beat him up and threw him down a well.  Because everyone knows Buddhist Monks are real badasses.

So by tomorrow we’ll find out if I was conversing with the Lord or myself; which really doesn’t bother me as I converse with myself quite often and the dead and sometimes Death himself.  Now he’s real.  I can prove it.   

A wonderful guy named Mark just had surgery a couple days ago.  Thanks to evil Amy Williams and the etiquette queen Ruth A. Lamb; noone is allowed to link to his website so’s they can wish him well.  So why dontcha run on over there and throw a few comments on his blog.

FLASH FORTUNE LOTTERY 

     APRIL 3RD 2006

YOU ARE THE WINNER OF THE

COMPUTER PROMOTIONAL DRAW

 

THIS MESSAGE IS  FROM  THE PROMOTION MANAGER, INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
 

UNIVERSAL CROSSING SA
 

YOU HAVE WON ON THE COMPUTER BALLOT,  

 THE SUM OF US$ 2,100,000,00

PLEASE CONTACT
 

(MR. DOUGLAS OWEN)
 

YOUR CLAIM AGENT.
 

FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE PAYMENT

email:  owendouglasffl@hotmail.com

or

owen-douglas@executivemail.co.za

  

TEL: +27-78-132-8854   

(UNIVERSAL  LOTTERY)
 

PRIZE AWARD NOTIFICATION

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made on  APRIL 3RD 2006, of winners of the FLASH FORTUNE LOTTO INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMS, as part of our promotional draws.
 

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.

Note that your email address qualified for the draw, as a result of your visiting various websites we are running the e-business promotions for. You/Your Company email address, attached to ticket number  7017-4162-1018, with serial number MH4710019 drew the lucky numbers  80, 35, 11, 72, 90, 41 and Bonus number 1 and consequently YOU HAVE won in the Second Category.

REFERENCE NUMBER: LLI/240142/011

BATCH NUMBER: 18/006/1094/LIPDA/SL.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$2,100,000.00 in cash, which is the winning payout for Second category winners. This is from the total prize money of US$26,650,000.00 shared among the Seven international winners in the Second category. CONGRATULATIONS!

To begin your claim, urgently contact your claim agent  through the below information:

MR. OWEN DOUGLAS

FLASH FORTUNE LOTTERY SA, 
Universal Building, 210-211
Park Hurst,Balfour-Unit 1440
JOHANNESBURG,GAUTENG 2001
REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA.
TEL: +27-78-132-8854  

EMAIL:    owendouglasffl@hotmail.com 

              owen-douglas@executivemail.co.za

 

NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers and other information provided above and below in every one of your correspondences with your claims agent.

 

REFERENCE NUMBER: LLI/240142/011

BATCH NUMBER: 18/006/1094/LIPDA/SL.

FLASH FORTUNE LOTTO PROGRAM IS A BONUS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD FOR THE 2010 SOCCER WORLD CUP
 

Congratulations'' once again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.

Sincerely,

MR. MERVIN NKUMA
THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER,
FLASH FORTUNE LOTTERY.
Universal Building, 210-211
Park Hurst,Balfour-Unit 1440
JOHANNESBURG,GAUTENG 2001

P.O. Box 91711, 
REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA

UNIVERSAL CROSSING SA

GOES INTERNATIONAL

AS THE 2010

WORLD CUP

WILL BE HOSTED BY

SOUTH AFRICA

THIS PROGRAM IS SPONSURED BY: SOUTH AFRICAN LOTTO AUTHORITY. AND SUPPORTED BY: (Féderation Internationale de Football Association) FIFA SUPPORT

---

 Here was my reply:

Dear Mr. Douglas Owen;

I was totally psyched when I learned that I out of millions of people had been
chosen to win the Universal Lottery.  Unfortunately my giddiness ceased when I
learned this program was sponsored by soccer, and so regrettably I must decline
this offer as soccer is a totally gay sport.

I’m suddenly finding it more annoying than February or August, and if you ever lived in the Midwest you understand why August is so annoying; folks who live in tourist crowded cities also feel your pain.  February is just annoying with that whole, “I only have 28 days, but sometimes I have 29”, gig.  And I will never forgive it for Valentine’s Day.

First of all April is tax month.  That’s bad.  The 17th is Grandpa’s birthday; it’s poignant yet incessantly persistent at reminding you there will be no happy birthday calls or funny cards in the future.  I wish instead of being six feet under inna tiny lil town by the name of Vassar and in an even tinier cemetery that Grandpa’s ashes were with me.  But that’s purty selfish.  It would have been nice if we each received a lil box with a lil bit of Grandpa inside, but I’m more than sure that would appall the hell outta Grandma.

April 20th marks the first year anniversary of Allie’s death.  Yes, I’ve come a long way baby.  Helping Patches and gaining his trust healed me on more levels than I thought possible, and I know longer feel guilty if I accidentally call him Allie.  But damn, I still miss Al and it would seem these types of anniversaries inflate the emotions and void to the levels you experienced in the beginning.  Maybe it just has to do with the whole first anniversary thing.  I think once a year you should be given the privilege of just holding your loved one for a moment; just one lil brief squeeze or hug while understand they can never return.  When I become the undisputed ruler of the world I promise ya, I’m gonna make this happen.

So by the time the 24th rolls around it’s purty difficult to get all psyched up about your birthday.

*deadpan voice* Hurray

 If you’ll recall; last year I just ignored my birthday as there was just too little time and so bloody much to do.  I had planned on partying like it was 1999 this year, but even the thought of this makes me tired.  I think I’ll just have a mild Sephora shopping spree and leave it at that.

I'm afraid I've been spreading myself a lil bit too thin these days.  Dontcha hate it when you've got places to go, people to do and things to see?

After relating a truly weird ass dream to Mother:

Mother: You're stressed.

Me: I don't feel stressed.

Weird ass dream included the following:  Producing a children's Sunday School play with no script, ideas or rehearsals.  For some reason there was a nest of rats next to the stage.  The gal who was in charge of this auditorium assured me that the rats wouldn't be a problem, but then one of the lil buggers bit me.  Rat bite made me sick but fortunately a really cute janitor caught me when I began to stumble.  They moved the rats outside but for some reason it became a nest of rats and bats.  While waiting for another kids' play to end I noticed a mama kitty and her kitten outside being harassed by the rats and bats.  I ended up annoying people greatly by walking out in the middle of the play to bring the cats inside.  Then someone told me I couldn't keep the cats because someone was allergic.  Then the place turned into a department store and we had to move all the merchandise so's people would have a place to sit and watch the play.  But of course you couldn't move the jackets to a rack with spring clothing, nor could you set the 40% off purses on the same display with the Buy One Get One Free purse selection.

Then suddenly I'm inna hotel.  Mother and I have separate rooms; it's two in the morning and I wanna go see if she's awake also.  While my room number is 314 and hers is 317, for some reason I have to take the elevator to get to her room.  While out in the hallway I realize I forgot my key, then I realize I forgot my pants; which happened to be harboring the key in its pocket.  So I scurried back in the room as I forgot to even close the door; grabbed a towel to hide my bottom half nudeness and shut the door.  Not only was I once again without room key, the bloody towel would not wrap around my fat ass so I had to hold it either in front or back depending on where another person was coming from.  Then I noticed there were suddenly all these bathtubs in the lobby and all the faucets were turned on, so I had to run around and turn all those off.

Well after all that it dawned on me that perhaps I am a wee bit stressed and should probably have a lie down.